December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III


Polls Show 0.7 Percent Increase in Clinton Support 70 Percent Decrease in Complete Sentences Used

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

“If typing in Helvetica is playing the woman card, then DEAL ME IN,” said Clinton.
Photo by: Jacob Aguirre

Recent polls report Clinton gained a slight increase in support since the last presidential debate against GOP candidate Donald Trump; however, she is still being beaten in likeability ratings by bread crust, most pictures of domesticated animals, and cracked smartphone screens. In response to the good news, Clinton claimed, “I would like to thank the American people for their continued support and repeat how important it is that they all…” before being cut off by a faulty webcam.

The increase in support comes after a long, heated battle between candidates as they tackled some of the most contested topics in the race. After spending exactly one minute and 56 seconds explaining her honest mistake of sending emails using a private server, Clinton claimed that she “take[s] a firm stance on …”

Trump responded equally as fiercely by claiming he had nothing but the utmost respect for women, stating that “if you just look it up, you’ll see I’m right, it’s all documented and proven on…” before being interrupted by a moderator.

Final campaigning events after the debate have also proven quite impactful for the Hillary campaign, estimated to account for around 0.16 percent of the 0.7 percent increase in support. Political analyst Bruce Sherman claimed, “the stats are revealing that Clinton is winning a lot of people over with her continued folksy charm and emphasis on narrative, but the real voting issue that she’s pulling ahead of Trump on is…” before spilling hot coffee on himself and ending the interview.

Clinton’s campaign manager Robby Mook expressed the importance of “sticking to the big data,” and believes Clinton’s marginal, yet still measurable success is largely due extensive fact checking of candidates. “Anyone who genuinely listens to both candidates, and evaluates both for accuracy and feasibility will see that Clinton is clearly superior on both fronts. This election will really boil down to the American public realizing that…”

In an attempt to maintain momentum, Clinton was heard improvising slogans at her most recent rally aimed at increasing voter turnout and excitement. Barely audible over roaring crowds, she chanted, “We need healthy, well-educated children, not…,” “Taxes should be…,” and “No…”.

In preparation for Election Day, several networks and local news stations are interspersing voting information with political updates and ads. This voting info serves a dual function, as it attempts to relate to young voters as well. Reporters can be heard screaming at a punk rock concert, “be sure to locate your nearest polling station and bring your… otherwise you won’t be able to vote,” before being pulled into the ensuing mosh pit.

After a lengthy meeting with President Barack Obama, Clinton hashed out several strategies and plans in anticipation of winning office with her core staff members. Key intel was picked up with a microphone damaged after being dragged across a series of ceiling panels revealed Clinton stating “we really need to focus on…, no I don’t… wow, this coffee is…”

At press time, Clinton was overheard stating “…”

Hannah Rosenblatt is an MQ alum. She was the 2017-18 Editor-in-Chief.

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