Late last Monday night, Dave DeFranco did what was thought to be impossible and what is considered by most men to be a “true miracle: “he fixed his own sink without the help of a plumber.
After years of questing for a sink problem fixable with his own two hands, DeFranco expressed much joy and satisfaction at the feat.
“Usually I make things worse when I try to fix something and my wife gets all on my case to call a stupid plumber,” said DeFranco. “And I tell her every time, ‘Karen, plumbers are no good, two-bit thieves! Even though you need very specific training to become a plumber, I’m sure I can do it by myself with a complete lack of experience! God!’ and then I have to sleep on the couch again.”
According to the top scholar at The Schoyen Collection, the largest private manuscript collection in the world, DeFranco’s feat has been prophesied hundreds of years beforehand.
“On a Babylonian clay tablet, found in the depths of a Mayan Temple, written in Egyptian hieroglyphs, the “Fyrngidd oft t’e Adelseap an t’e Sylfum Leadgota” or “The Prophecy of the Sinkes” was found all the way back in August, and is considered one of the oldest manuscripts found to date,” said Thomas Lansbury, Chief Scholar.
He continued, “This manuscript comes from a religion that seems to have existed hundreds of years before Christianity, and was mysteriously wiped away, leaving only this manuscript as proof of its existence. Roughly translated into English, the religion was called ‘The Sect of the Drainoes’ and believed in the All-Holy chosen one, destined to save the world as described in this text.”
In a rough translation provided by Lansbury, the text states: “The one who will save us is the one who will fix the drip. The one who fixes the sink of house is the one who will fix our sink of life. He is the savior, He is the light. He who avoids overcharging rat-bastard plumbers is the one who will save us all.”
Many men have gathered from near and far to merely “gaze upon the eighth world wonder,” which they claim is DeFranco’s sink, which now does not drip. After hearing about the old manuscript, some have shaved their heads and begun to follow him as his “disciples” under the name “The New Sect of Drainoes.” DeFranco has been inducted immediately as their leader and they have all begun preparing for the end of days that “Dave, our almighty savior, will protect [them] from.”
“I’m just happy to have a working sink again,” DeFranco said. “I don’t know what all this hullabaloo about ‘being the hero chosen by the God of Wrench’ and ‘saving the space-time reality as it exists in real time’ is, but hey, I get free pizza at the Cheese Shack, so that’s nice.”
According to “the Sect,” it looks like DeFranco’s chance to save the world will come within the next few days. In a recent announcement made by the Bureau of Reclamation, the Hoover Dam “suffered a severe burst in its main intake towers, and a crack has started to form on the outside of the dam” just two days ago, and without a fix, it could burst open, ruining drinking water, irrigation to farms, and blackouts across the American Southwest. Thus, the United States Government has decided to send only DeFranco to the dam with his “trusty wrench” in order to fix it, and in their words, “perform another goddamn miracle.”