Last Wednesday, at 8:43 GMT, North Korea successfully launched a five-year-old child from a rubber duckie pool floatie, effectively destroying the majority of Washington, Oregon, and California.
One San Francisco resident was overheard yelling, “Oh, my god!” while running away from the toppling buildings. “How could this happen?” another reportedly exclaimed, clawing their way out of a crowded coffee shop. “That was a pretty sweet cannonball,” noted a third onlooker.
The North Korean government released an official statement on the launch in the form of a pre-launch interview with the boy, Kim Seung Min. “We want power. We want recognition. And this is how we are going to get it,” said Kim in Korean, but with English subtitles.
A separate video of the actual launch was leaked to a Japanese news outlet
immediately after the launch; it shows a boy, presumed to be Kim, awkwardly clambering into a rubber duck flotation toy, and leaping cannonball-style into a backyard swimming pool. The child subsequently is launched, also “cannonball-style,” over 200 meters into the air, at which point the video cuts off.
“It was horrifying to watch,” described Wayne Phillips, a professor of
International Relations at the College of William & Mary. “Even though general academia agreed in 2007 that North Korea would develop this technology in 10 years, it’s still mind-boggling that they’ve made it this far, and with such destructive results.
“You can clearly see the incredibly complex rigging system that sets up the spring-powered trampoline, and don’t even get me started on how it’s attached to the floatie – a duckie floatie, no less. It’s nuts, really bonkers stuff.”
The Trump administration swiftly responded in an emergency press conference hosted at Trump Tower.
“It’s very obvious, very obvious, we’re going to retaliate with everything we’ve got,” said Trump. “I’ve always said that a country doesn’t spend two decades and billions of dollars developing rubber duckies, yes that’s right, rubber duckies, if it doesn’t plan on using them, and look, it’s been used. It’s been used, plain and simple, nobody believed me, but it’s been used.
“We’ll kill that child if we have to. What? I’m not suggesting murder, no, murder is cruel and unjust, I would never suggest murder. We kill the child, it’s very simple, you don’t get it. Kill the child, save the world, not very hard, not hard at all, I’m telling you, it’s not hard.”
The International Criminal Court has also made a statement, announcing its intentions to prosecute Kim for several war crimes declared under the Geneva Conventions, including “willfully causing great suffering” and “destruction and appropriation of property.”
North Korean news bulletins have confirmed that Kim has died due to a severe head injury that occurred during the launch. The family plans to hold a funeral service on October 1.