Local Journalist Thinks We Just Want Different Things, Joseph

Written by: The MQ

“Just to make sure this is very clear to everyone, I am single,” confirmed Burke.
Photo by: Jen Windsor

As of press time, it is official that the former “power couple” consisting of Evvan Burke and Joseph Knolls, known by some as Jovvan, have broken up. Insiders agree, however, that the romance died a while ago.

“We’ve been drifting apart for some time now,” said Burke about the separation. “He’s just not the person I matched with on Tinder during my Freshman Seminar.”

Things started getting hairy after Knolls graduated last year with his degree in clinical astrology. The relationship experienced its greatest strain once it became clear that clinical astrology, despite “Saturn’s arrangement in the house of Sagittarius,” would not “take off” as Knolls once claimed. From then on, Knolls has spent most of his time rewatching lesser-known Netflix original TV shows, sleeping 18 hours a day, and eating reheated Slim Jims from the AM/PM on La Palma Drive.

Despite signs that things could improve when the couple willingly complied with the recent Supreme Court decision regarding same-sex marriage with a small civil ceremony, neighbors still reported seeing Joseph rarely leaving their apartment, doing laundry, or visiting their local gym.

Equally troubling, investigators believed, was the lack of results in their search history for websites like Indeed, Monster, and LinkedIn, and multiple results for various television-based Buzzfeed quizzes.

“He’s been wearing sports jerseys for three weeks now. The same team and player. Nothing else,” Burke elaborated. “I’m all for breaking gay stereotypes but his side of the wardrobe looks like it belongs to a cartoon character. The least he could do is wash them.”

Burke has also received his fair share of criticisms, with analysts from their local community saying, “No one ever called you Jovvan,” “Is this really newsworthy?” and “Does that mean I can make a move [on Knolls]?”

Rebekkah Connors, a close friend of the couple, has also been noted as asking Burke to “Please tell [her] this isn’t really how [Burke is] going to break up with [Knolls],” and “No seriously, that’s a real dick move.”

Regardless, an informal survey on various geolocational dating sites suggest that Burke will be better off post-separation. Furthermore, an independent analysis by a local psychic has reported that the positioning of the Sun in relation to the constellation Aquarius boded poorly for Knolls.

“My main concerns are getting out of our lease, finding a new life partner within the allotted time period with whom I can comply with state regulations regarding gay couples, and figuring out how to separate a joint bank account.”

At press time, Knolls was emotionally unavailable for comment.

Written by: Evvan Burke

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