Hoverboards Are an Atrocity And Must Be Stopped!


Written by: The MQ

By Marty Brown
Paraplegic Survivor

Hoverboards. Let me tell you something about these rolling, devil-worshipping machines. You may have seen kids rolling around on these horrible contraptions, wobbling around like they own the sidewalk. These devices have to be the worst thing ever created by modern technology for one reason and one reason only: they don’t hover.

Back in 1989, Marty McFly glided with the grace of a dove across the silver screen and straight into my heart in the movie “Back to the Future Part II.” This movie introduced the world to the true futuristic marvel that is the hoverboard, igniting my tiny 21-year-old heart with childlike excitement and wonder. I waited patiently for the day when I could smoothly hover over every surface and away from all my crippling debt, lack of fatherly love, and Biff.

Come 2016, while the future is not as full of colorful spandex as the movie promised, I knew the hoverboards would soon be here. Imagine my excitement when I hear that not only do they exist, but are being sold in major retail stores! I ran so fast up the stairs of my parents’ basement I almost ran into my life-size Michael J. Fox cut-out. I took all the allowance I had saved up and bought one as soon as I could. This was it! My life was finally complete!

Little did I know how wrong I was. This techno-deception machine was no hoverboard. It had wheels! Two of them! And it wasn’t even board shaped! I got on to see if maybe it would begin hovering and I immediately fell down and hit my head, giving me a concussion. Can you believe that? No hovering capabilities whatsoever.

After crying into my Delorean-themed sheets and bandaging my broken head, I decided I would not give up and gave the board another chance. After five days of continuous testing: riding the hoverboard over cliffs, buildings, and even over water, I ended up breaking both arms and three ribs. I came to the realization that this was no hoverboard in any way whatsoever. It was pure false advertising that had psychologically traumatized me for life.

Filled with shame and pent up anger, I spitefully rode the dream-crushing, piece of shit segway knockoff to the dumpster (I could not get off it, it was physically impossible) to destroy it once and for all. Then, if you would believe it, the board had the nerve to catch on fire, burn my parents’ house to the ground, and sear my entire body and paralyze me as if to say, “Hahaha, not even fire from a thousand rockets could make me hover!”

To say the least, I am furious. Not only was this false advertising and straight out lying to faithful fans of Back to the Future, but now my medical bills are so high that I can’t even afford to buy the supposed Lexus hoverboard prototype. But I know now I can’t trust anyone. I’ve been burned before.

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