Despite many singles requesting restraining orders after a tragic Valentine’s Days the preceding year, Feb. 14 has once again shown up with the changing of the month, accompanied by many telltale signs.
“Singles nationwide have called in with a mysterious illness today,” one official investigator reported. “They’ve reported an alarming number of disturbing symptoms, such as a crushing sense of dread, an erratically pounding heartbeat, and an all-consuming loneliness that prevents any productive actions except for lying on the couch singing ‘All By Myself.’”
Natalie Drake, a third year UCSD student and lifetime single, sobbed, “Valentine’s Day is like an on-and-off relationship. You think you’re done with it but it just — keeps — coming — back no matter how hard you promise yourself not to let it in again. Not that I would know anything about relationships,” she added with a tearful swipe to her left eye.
“It’s so needy,” chimed in Eliren Loi. “You practically have to buy gifts for that day. If you don’t, you’ll look like an incompetent, insensitive jerk who doesn’t put in enough work or care about your relationship. Even if it’s actually true.”
“There’s so much effort involved,” agreed John Conner. “I have to buy roses. The last time I gave someone roses, she left them out to die. Then a bee that tried to pollinate the roses got sick and stung a girl who was absolutely terrified of bees. She ran into the street and caused a car crash. One of the cars crashed into a building where a delicate rocket fuel test was being performed. The experiment blew up and the building exploded. It sent enough debris into the atmosphere to block out the sun for days and probably caused the extinction of several minor species. Can’t let that happen again.”
However, despite numerous complaints, Feb. 14 has returned with a vengeance. “Valentine’s Day will never go out of style,” crowed Eros Cupid, a smug flower salesman. “Who can beat the power of love, chocolate, and first-world materialistic tendencies?”
Many people disagree. “It’s so darn expensive!” ranted Charles Maxis. “How am I supposed to buy my girlfriend the gifts she deserves when I can barely afford to buy myself cup noodles? I’m a starving college student for heaven’s sake.”
“My boyfriend and I recently broke up,” added Beatrice Moreno, a recent supporter of restraining
Valentine’s Day. “Whatever will I do without a bouquet of roses and a bunch of balloons to show off to the world what a healthy and happy relationship I’m in?”
Martin Vladimir, another woebegone single, was found stuffing his face with chocolate. He refused to comment, claiming he was “too busy eating and drinking his sorrows away.”
There were, however, a few couples who were perfectly happy with Feb. 14 coming their way.
“I get to show her how much I love her!” Leo Santiago said happily. “And it’s a great excuse to get laid,” he added.
Sources found that Santiago’s girlfriend dumped him soon after the interview. Observers later reported table flipping and distant screams of “I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY” echoing throughout Tenaya Hall that night.
At press time, muffled Taylor Swift lyrics could be heard from underneath Santiago’s door, interrupted by occasional sobs.
Written by: Celesti Dactyl