Congress Shortens Women’s History Month to 78 Percent of Previous Length

Written by: Summer Davis

Renovations on the Statue of Liberty began soon after the bill passed; final plans include the addition of a new glass ceiling to replace Lady Liberty’s head and torso.
Photo by: Jacob Aguirre

Late last month, Congress passed a bill intended to shorten March, Women’s History Month, to 78 percent of its typical length in order to better reflect women’s contributions to society. As a result, March will be approximately 24 days long in 2016. The bill was introduced by members of the Congressional Committee ,known as Women’s Hot Issues for the New Year, or WHINY. Senior member Mitch McConnell commented that “this bill has the most bipartisan support we’ve seen in years.”

Some members of Congress expressed doubts about the reception of this bill, with Tim Walz, a representative from Minnesota, commenting that, “Women make up a significant portion of my constituency.” He continued, “If my advisors are correct, women have the right to vote now and may express their displeasure with this bill at the polls.”

Many women’s rights activists articulated their dismay.

“This is just like what happened when we asked to have a woman placed on the 20-dollar bill, and instead they put her on the 10-dollar bill,” stated student activist Monica Villanueva.

“I would love to have American heroes Queen Elizabeth, Margaret Thatcher, or Cleopatra present on the penny, or something worth less than that,” responded McConnell. He also offered to make Ms. Villanueva “an honorary WHINER.”

The triumph of the bill surprised many political analysts, most of whom had expected the bill to be defeated in the Senate. Political scientist Dana Rhodes stated “This kind of nonsense is expected from the House of Representatives at least once every two years, but the Senate usually puts a stop to it.”

However, analysis of the unexpected success of the bill revealed that nearly every male senator had voted “yes” before the bill was done being read aloud, at approximately the moment the words “women’s history” were used. Those that had not voted “yes” were absent from the voting as they were busy attending a rally to defund Planned Parenthood.

One of the most contentious aspects of the bill was whether the amount of days in March should be rounded down or rounded up. Senator Elizabeth Warren delivered a well-received but ultimately ineffective speech in favor of rounding up to 19 female senators and one Bernie Sanders.

The bill is expected to reach President Obama’s desk before the start of March. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest has already conveyed the president’s intention to veto the bill, adding that, “Not only does President Obama plan on vetoing this bill, he’s going to crumple it up into a little ball, throw that ball into the presidential trash can, set the presidential trash can on fire using his presidential lighter, and then call in the Secret Service to put the presidential fire out so he can light it again.”

Earnest was adamant that although the President does “hate Congress more than he hated Joffrey on Game of Thrones,” he is acting only in the interests of American women and not out of “some reasonably deserved spite.”

GOP Congressmen showed no signs of concern for the President’s veto. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan stated that, “Congresswomen only make up, like, 20 percent of Congress.” He then previewed the next bill that will be up for voting in February, saying “we need somewhere to put the 22 percent of March that we’re removing. I’m thinking we make a new month. I like the name ‘Manuary.’”

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