America’s Soup: A Great White Cream of Diversity

Written by: The MQ

By Ted Cruz
Republican Presidential Candidate and Amateur Cook

Think of the United States not as a great melting pot of steels and irons, but as a large cauldron cooking up a mighty fine Texas black bean soup.

The soup has been on the stove for hundreds of years, and through decades and centuries of hard work and traditional family values, this soup has become the most exceptional one of its kind in the Western world. Why is it, then, that a small handful of people and ingredients are trying to ruin this hearty stew we’ve boiled up so deliberately?

In the beginning, things were rough, sure. We had to power wash all the native gunk stuck to the bottom of the pot. There was just no way to build a proper soup with such bacteria living next to the fresh ingredients. And then, sure, we let the black beans boil separately from the pinto beans for a while, and we only added them in bit by bit, first about 60 percent, then all of them. But we were just following the Constituti-err-recipe.

Along the way we poured in some mexicorn, some Chinese five-spice, and various other spices — of course not in too much excess. For a brief moment while simmering, we needed to separate the Japanese Udo from the rest of the soup, but that was just to make sure it wasn’t overpowering the other ingredients. You have to remember, this was at a time when the potatoes, sauerkraut, and cauliflower had been soaking for a while, and we had to make sure the Udo wasn’t being loyal to the wrong soup.

So now we reach 2008. Chef Bush hands his successor the toque blanche and apron and everything goes to shit. All of a sudden cans and cans of mexicorn are being poured in, without consideration for other vegetables and without ensuring the mexicorn will contribute their fair share.

On top of that Chef Obama is letting in unregulated amounts of spices — cumin, cardamom, turmeric — and we haven’t even properly checked what their effect on the soup will be. We’ve seen time and time again in Dutch soups, in French soups, how large amounts of spices can bring a pot to its knees, but our chef won’t learn. And worse than that, he’s constantly acting to take away our salt and pepper. Chef Obama is doing everything in his powers to ensure that you and I don’t have the tools necessary to neutralize these dangerous flavors if we must.

What do we do about the state of our soup? I’ll tell you what. With me wearing the apron we’ll return to a solid, traditional recipe. I’ll personally drain out every piece of mexicorn that’s boiling illegally. I’ll make sure we have proper taste tests of every grain of overseas spices that try to enter this soup. And I’ll make damn certain the kitchen staff stay out of your bowl; you can have as much salt and pepper as you please. With me we can return to the hardy and simple soup of the past, just like the recipe and its first curators — George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Paula Deen — intended.

Written by: Jaz Twersky

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