Filipino Senate Calls for Peaceful Removal of President Duterte’s Head

Written by: Barak Tzori

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Photo by: Daniel Clinton

The Filipino Senate passed a joint resolution last Friday calling for the peaceful removal of the President Duterte’s head from office and corpus.

The unilateral decision was made after days of grueling debate on the floors of both chambers, almost two months after Duterte admitted to having killed three people and then posing for a “Play of the Game” shot when he was mayor of Davao City.

This decision came about ultimately as a means to quell Duterte’s recent pieces of legislature that left many citizens and fellow lawmakers alike puzzled. Some cited examples, including his brutal drug war, as well as his attempt to boost free birth control throughout the country for the sake of reducing the spread of “sons of whores like Barack Obama.”

Aside from his harsh and often baseless style of lawmaking, some of the president’s quirks have many concerned. His bragging regarding throwing a man out of a helicopter and his inability to stop talking about his chronic toe fungus have left many thinking that the world would be a better place without Duterte.

The Senate and the House came together to lay out a five-part bill that specifies exactly how the removal and disposal of Duterte’s head will take place. Duterte’s own party was quite split on the vote, but ended up with 51 percent in favor.

The process will begin by injecting a dosage of sodium thiopental to render him unconscious. Then a guillotine will be used to detach the head; a velvet pillow will break its fall while simultaneously rolling the cranium into a bucket of formaldehyde. The preservative is for carrying out eternal mummification, per the president’s wishes. His head will grace the Senate floor for generations to come.

In reaction to the bill, several pro-Duterte Congressmen have come out in strong support of the President.

“It’s a real shame that Congress has decided to condemn our Iron Prefect Werewolf President,” said congressman Ernesto Tanmantiong. “Even more of a shame that the vote for it was anonymous.”

“Man, I was really counting on the president to cut off the arm I use for heroin,” an unnamed drug user from Manila said in defense of Duterte. “How am I going to get punished, er, rehabilitated?”

However, not all were against the bill.

“Oh sure, welcome any potential toppling of the president,” commented Chuan Hua Yang, head of the Filipino Gravediggers’ Union. “My guys have been overworked for months now, and we’re just not able to handle the amount of work that’s coming in.”

Economists, congressmen, and marijuana enthusiasts have naturally been curious about the potential repercussions of Duterte’s death, pouring extensive research into the subject. Some are worried that the president’s removal will create negative consequences for the economy, as the bullet manufacturing industry is foreseen to collapse along with morgues suffering a severe drop in profits.

On a more positive note, high-end designer Yves Saint Laurent is thrilled to be able to re-release their Black Opium scent in the Phillippines, without women worrying about being shot dead based off of opiate use suspicions.

The members of the Senate did note that they felt a little uncomfortable with the prospect of Duterte’s slowly rotting head watching over their every move on the floor, but they came to the conclusion that the pros of this decision will outweigh its cons.

“Ha! You think that’ll work?” President Duterte exclaimed in response to the resolution. “I come from a strong bloodline of chickens, I can run an entire nation with my head off for minutes!”

Written by: Barak Tzori and Vida Sadeghi

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