Apple Brings Back Outsourced Jobs from Overseas, Releases Dumb Watch

Written by: Jessica Ma

One of the added bonuses of the watch is that on a cloudy day, if you need another five minutes, you can simply move your flashlight slightly to the right.
Photo by: Connor Gorry

Next Monday, millions across the nation will wait in line to buy the newest and most streamlined addition to Apple’s ever-growing product line — the Apple Orange Watch 1.

According to an Apple press release, this new product is a response to public complaints that Apple’s products have drifted away from their signature simplicity, intuitiveness, and beauty in design. The Apple Orange Watch 1 is completely waterproof and features a stone sundial. Because the minimalistic design lacks moving parts, the device never has to be recharged. The Apple Orange Watch 1 comes in three colors: granite, marble, and slate.

Apple’s engineers reported that the most difficult part of developing the new watch was cracking the problem of finding a way to use it in the absence of natural light. Their solution was a clip-on LED bulb, which can be bought separately for 30 dollars. The second most difficult problem with developing the new watch was consumers dealing with the strain of strapping a large amount of granite to their wrists, which the engineers do not currently have a solution for, although some have suggested adding a second clip-on LED bulb.

The simplicity of the Apple Orange Watch 1 also means that Apple has begun to move manufacturing jobs back to the United States because the design is basic enough for Americans to understand.

“The watch comes out of the machine in one piece,” explained Richard Howarth, Apple’s vice president in industrial design. “The workers are tasked with the important job of slipping a set of the signature apple stickers into the box. It’s a ‘dumb watch’, because it’s just so easy to make that anyone could do it, even people from countries with a failing public education system. ”

Manufacturing the watch has already created 84,000 new blue collar jobs nationwide, mostly for machines. In the future, Apple executives have claimed that they plan to further shift manufacturing to the domestic side by simplifying the manufacturing process enough that consumers, given the correct parts, could build their own Apple devices. This would dramatically reduce labor and shipping costs, increasing the company’s profit margin and funding former CFO James Bell’s record-holding succulent collection.

However, the clean stone interface of the Apple Orange Watch 1 has caused some public speculation that “copycat” watches will soon be released to compete with the product.

“It’s not actually the products themselves that people want,” Apple CEO Tim Cook dismissed these concerns, reasoned. “It’s the stickers and the logo, and those are copyrighted.”

A recently conducted Facebook poll in the secret group “NOT HIPSTERS” has shown overwhelmingly positive reactions towards the new watch, praising it as “innovative” and “undeniably worth the $539.99 price tag.”

Apple enthusiasts also look forward to the Apple Orange Watch 1S, which is to be released in mid-September and is expected to feature a built in LED and a slightly raised sundial, and will come in previously released colors as well as a premium version in rose gold.

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