Volume 23 Issue 4
Frank Sinatra to Be Posthumously Flown to the Moon
In a discussion of moon travel at a local comic convention, television scientists were asked multiple times: “Why the hell hasn’t Frank Sinatra been flown to …
Student is “Interested” in Protest Event, Has Done Her Civic Duty
UCSD student Kelly Baker has been praised by peers for marking that she is “Interested” in over five protest event pages on Facebook, thereby doing her …
Sony Pictures Greenlights Film with No Concept, Nor Anyone Attached
Sony Pictures has announced their newest “sure to be an Oscar-sweeping blockbuster hit,” to be released late 2017, titled “TBD” and to be directed by “Un …
Top Fifteen Similarities Between an Art Gallery and a Truck Stop Glory Hole
“Anybody could do that” People pay $9.99 a month to look at shit You’ve always dreamed of getting jerked off by a stranger there The really …
Top Ten Ways to Make This Unpaid Internship Worthwhile
Finally earn that second accented “e” in resume Learn how to stalk people on LinkedIn Steal Post-It notes and paper clips and fashion them into a …
Pro-Trump Starbucks Boycotter Goes on A Yerba Mate Run
University of North Carolina student Derek Davis found himself without a sustainable source of caffeine to continue his “downvoting” after declaring a boycott against Starbucks. In …
Tree Asked for Political Beliefs, Doesn’t Answer, Is a Tree
A local 30-year-old spruce tree going by the name “NO TRESPASSING, PRIVATE RESIDENCE” was found loitering in a San Diego suburb late Thursday night. When asked …
Numbers Outlawed by Executive Order
An executive order was signed into law last Thursday officially outlawing the use of numbers in all written and verbal circumstances. The order came after extensive …
Middle School Sex Ed Class Ends with Cliffhanger, “To Be Continued” in High School
Graduating students from Margaret “Mayge” Farenhart Middle School completed the first half of the school district’s two-course sex ed program, which initially builds anticipation and then …
Top Ten Things that Should Replace Obamacare
The Affordable Care Act A lottery to see who gets to live Funding for music and the arts. Ha! As if Capitalism Starting to vaccinate your …
