Written by: The MQ

An executive order was signed into law last Thursday officially outlawing the use of numbers in all written and verbal circumstances. The order came after extensive unrest that the Trump administration attributed to “confusion about all of these numbers being thrown around,” and specified that any use of numbers by citizens, especially members of “the media” was punishable by a minimum prison sentence of a finite amount of years.

So far, a number of reporters have been arrested for breaking the order, and it is expected that a larger value of reporters will be arrested by the end of the week. The order currently has a deadline in the year after this one in a month between March and May, but can be extended to a date further in the future if necessary. City officials are working on changing street signs to not include any numbers, and have been given what was reported as a “hard deadline” of “a moderate number of days from now.”

The order has also effectively stopped all dialogue on minimum raise requirements, as people search for new ways to define monetary values through various pictures and hand motions. New wage restrictions are predicted to be established by mid-June, as soon as a new standardized system of counting and paper currency is established.

In other news, the Falcons won the Super Bowl with a value of points that was greater than the Patriots, and tomorrow is supposed to be a mild but slightly cold amount of degrees.

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