December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

“Don’t ever let them tell you size doesn’t matter,” said the U.S. Government.
Photo by: Barak Tzori

Lead wallet producers across the nation are uniting to create new lines of wallets varying greatly in size, but all equally stylish. The shift in design was triggered by a mandate from Congress urging companies to create more accommodation for the severely unequal distribution of wealth in modern society.

“Everyone loves the feeling of having a full wallet, absolutely stuffed to the brim with cash,” explained Jeremiah Billingsley, spokesman for Fossil Wallets. “Now, we are bringing that joy to the cheap houses and shelters of thousands by giving them a size of wallet that they can fill up even with their disproportionally small amount of dough.”

The various wallet designs are meant to encourage inclusion, suiting the storage needs of every economic class of individuals. “Extra Large” sized wallets are the size of a hard-cover dictionary, include up to 45 credit card slots, and can fit several large bundles of bills. Consumers can also choose to buy deluxe editions which include two slots for standard-sized bars of gold and a small yet spacious pouch for diamonds.

On the other end of the scale, petite wallets range from storage of about three bills to small circular pouches just large enough to fit a few quarters. Some models feature extra padding, to make them feel “just a little bit larger.” All sizes come in charcoal, navy, or chestnut, with either silver or gold lining available upon request.

“We hope to bring newfound satisfaction to the masses with these innovative storage containers for everyone’s greenbacks,” elaborated Billingsley. “With virtually no one left with a half-empty wallet, we’ve basically solved poverty in one clean sweep. After all, no one can go hungry when they have a wallet that’s completely full; that automatically means there’s enough cheddar to go around.”

Congress is working alongside several wallet producers to make sure that governmental policy and the new wallet lines complement each other nicely. All wallets are constructed to be adjustable for inflation, able to be stretched out or shrunk along with the national economy. Additionally, a joint wallet-welfare plan has recently led to the release of a line of food stamp-optimized wallets complete with an embroidered quote reading, “Hey, be happy you’re getting this much.”

When asked about whether there was an international market for the wallets, Billingsley said, “We are already setting up plans overseas, in order to try and combat poverty on a more global scale. We’ve already come far with our marketing options in Mexico. We’ve adjusted the U.S. sizes to account for conversions of wealth, making the U.S. “Large” the Mexican “Extra Large” size, and so on. Accounting for different economic climates between countries is crucial to properly implementing this poverty quick-fix. We want to stress that fact that everyone, regardless of nationality, deserves to have their dough properly stored.”

Some critics of the mandate have worries that citizens can’t be trusted with the responsibility of choosing their own wallet size. Accidental purchase of an oversized wallet could lead to consumers having unreasonably high expectations. However, U.S. wallet companies have already arranged strict production limits on different sized wallets to avoid confusion. Producers have agreed to not produce more than 100 of the extra-large sized wallets, Billingsley reported.

“If an individual trying to buy a proper wallet is unable to find a larger size, that’s a sign to them to look for a smaller one. There’s obviously not space for a lot of average consumers to fit into the Extra Large wallet category. However, they should be more than satisfied with one of our smaller options to stuff their Benjamins, or more likely, Washingtons into.”

Hannah Rosenblatt is an MQ alum. She was the 2017-18 Editor-in-Chief.

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