Written by: Daniel Clinton

Stoffer was so over-brimmed with tranquility, enlightenment, and happiness, that he could be heard going “WOOOO FUCK YEAH!”
Photo by: Connor Gorry

Area man Marcos Stoffer was in his apartment late Monday night when he had a breakthrough in his life-long search for the key to true

“Meditation was a tool I used to improve my mood, but it was always missing something,” Stoffer said. “And that something turned out to be approximately two kilograms of cocaine.”

For the last few months, Stoffer has been experimenting with drugs in a pursuit to find true happiness.

“Just last weekend I dropped acid while petting a cat and knew I was getting close. I gave acid to the cat and had him pet me, but Mr. Whiskers has not looked at me the same after that.”

Described by his friends as “sadder than most,” Stoffer was desperate to find the key to happiness.

“Ever since I was a kid, people around me have tried to cheer me up and I wanted a way to return the favor. And now I finally can, in the form of approximately two kilograms of cocaine.”

The next big step for Stoffer’s discovery is to get the DEA to reclassify its Class II designation of cocaine.

“Now that cocaine has a true medical purpose, we just have to wait for the DEA to recognize us. My combination of mediation with cocaine was the easy part. The hard part is going to get cocaine widely accepted by Americans. We are still a few years off from old ladies snorting lines off their coffee tables.”

Stoffer’s parents commented “Please stop encouraging our son’s delusions. He has a serious drug problem. Marcos has developed an addiction to cocaine throughout his search for happiness. This indulgence of his lies will just make things harder. We have tried everything. Please do not run this news story.”

“My parents have always tried to hold me back,” Stoffer said. “They were never proud of me when I showed them how close I was getting to true happiness. They just kept throwing me really sad parties in which we sat in a circle and talked about our feelings. Now I’ve found a way to make so many people happy though! They will have to love me.”

After Stoffer starting talking to the media about his revolutionary find, his parents checked him into a rehabilitation facility, hoping for progress. His parents have described as his process as “slow, but showing promise.”

“At first I was hesitant to go [to the rehabilitation center]. I was never a fan of summer camp as a kid, but this place seems alright. The other patients are impressed when I talk about the key to happiness being meditation and approximately two kilograms of cocaine. A few of them even said they were going to try it when they got out of here. The counselors do not like it when I mention my discovery. America’s stigma towards cocaine will take time to overcome.”

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