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Amateur Acupuncturists Under Fire for Unknowingly Administering Vaccines

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Somehow nobody noticed the giant new label on what used to be their needle disinfecting tub.
Photo by: Lawrence Lee

The California-based A.A.A.A.A.A. (Association of Amateur Acupuncturists and Alternative Ailment Alleviators) announced that over the past year, some of its members had accidentally administered vaccines to patients. This revelation generated significant outrage in the alternative medicine community, which heavily frowns upon the practice of thoroughly-researched, scientifically proven medical methods.

“We have unfortunately confirmed at least fifty cases of our members unwittingly performing the popular yet distasteful medical procedure known as ‘immunization,’” the A.A.A.A.A.A. said in their public statement on the incident. “We deeply apologize for any inconvenience or health benefits that this may have caused.”

The issue came to prominence in part because of the high volume of complaints patients submitted to the AASB (AASB Ain’t Science Board), which oversees the A.A.A.A.A.A. and other similarly small alternative medicine organizations.

“Around six months ago, we started getting a fairly consistent flow of patient complaints lodged against various acupuncture practitioners in California,” said AASB president Sharon Wheedle. “Initially, we couldn’t make the connection between the complaints, but once we got enough data points, we realized that all the complaints came from patients of A.A.A.A.A.A. members.”

The most common complaint, in 76 percent of reports, was that after the culprit acupuncture session, patients did not become sick with their normally expected illnesses.

“Every summer in the past few years, everyone in my family has gotten chickenpox without fail,” said one patient in their report. “But somehow I missed out on it this year? No way that’s a coincidence.”

“It’s flu season, and my son is getting picked on by the other kids because he’s the only one without the flu,” said another. “I depend on our acupuncturist to do two things: relieve my son’s chronic back pain and allow him the full sickness-filled bedridden lifestyle that he so very deserves. That they can’t even fulfill both is a breach of our sacred trust.”

The second most common complaint, in 44 percent of reports, regarded the medical rigor with which the vaccines were delivered. Patients filed complaints that their acupuncture room was “unnervingly clean,” that the needle looked “just too sterile,” and that the acupuncturist “washed their hands with soap and water.” These conditions aroused suspicions of the true nature of needles, prompting patients to file reports.

The AASB’s investigation unearthed that the A.A.A.A.A.A. had packaged hospital-grade vaccines, purchased from a reputable major pharmaceutical company, along with some of the acupuncture needles that A.A.A.A.A.A. members can order in bulk as a membership privilege. In response, the A.A.A.A.A.A. claimed that they use vaccines to improve the build quality of their acupuncture needles and that the shipping of those vaccines to members was “pure human error, plain and simple.”

“As an alternative medicine organization, we strive to better the lives of our members, and through them, the well-being of our patients as well,” concluded the A.A.A.A.A.A. statement. “We can only hope to continue to work towards a world free of the oppressive tyranny of scientific rigor and its irritating byproducts: ever-increasing lifespans and ever-decreasing mortality rates.”

MQ Alum, former Web Editor at The MQ

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