“Zeno’s bill,” introduced by New Hampshire Senator Jeanne Shaheen, is having a hard time getting traction in Congress. The legislation that intends to give tortoises a head start in their ecosystems must first muster half its required votes before it can gather the rest.
“Our issue right now,” explains Senator Shaheen, “is that we first need to get half of half of the votes we need, even before we can get half of the total votes.”
This 114th Congress has passed the fewest bills in congressional history. Congressman Parmenides has called this a rousing success for the illusion of progress and productivity.
Stern opposition is mounting to defeat the bill that promises an insurmountable lead for tortoises across the world. Opponent Kelly Ayotte hardened her stance against the bill, saying “There’s just no way we’re going to give her an eighth of the vote first. And even if we did, where would the honorable senator get the first sixteenth of the votes needed?”
At press time, with turtle populations dwindling, Senator Shaheen was struggling to come up with one thirty-second of the votes needed for the bill’s passing, and was on the verge of proving bill movement impossible.