Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Last Thursday, local James Fernow managed to do what was once deemed “impossible” by top scientists. After releasing a behemoth 12 second silent fart, Fernow successfully diverted the blame off of himself at his sister Veronica’s baby christening.

Fernow was initially worried that the fart, “smelling like a dead raccoon baked into a two-week old cheese and bean casserole after being pissed on by a diabetic child,” would be traced back to him, ruining his chances with his sister’s college friends. He was also worried that the fart would label him as responsible for the fart’s long-term effects on baby Charlotte’s respiratory system, ruining her chances at playing professional tuba, which is his sister’s hope.

But as the fart’s stench began to take hold of the room, Fernow’s sisters dog, Buford, began to bark erratically and loudly in reaction to the fart. In the heat of the moment, Fernow was able to think on his feet and quickly saying “Oh god, that smell, Buford did you cut the cheese?” Most of the other party-goers then forcefully laughed and exited the room as quickly as possibly, while Veronica, checked under Buford for any stains on her white, shag carpet.

This blaming of a fart by “whoever smelt it dealt it,” has never been accomplished since the phrase was created. To celebrate, Fernow confidently walked to the bathroom to “destroy that toilet” while Veronica discussed with her husband whether Buford should get digestive tract surgery or be put down.

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