Photo by: Kenny Cheng
In a sudden reversal, environmental scientists have declared that global warming will in fact stop by the year 2022, thanks to the efforts of the environmental research team at Columbia University. After 10 years of research, the scientists finally were able to locate and tear down the greenhouse that has been the cause of all accused man-made climate change.
“We have been on the trail of this mysterious greenhouse since Al Gore released ‘An Inconvenient Truth,’” stated head researcher Alicia Fulson, “Using advanced gas-emission triangulation techniques and Google Maps Street View, we were able to find the greenhouse that has been releasing copious amounts of CO2 into our atmosphere since the year 1882 in a field north of Dorotea, Sweden.”
According to Fulson, Sweden has been covering up the existence of the greenhouse with their impeccable environmental record, confusing the world for decades. But to make sure their research was not for naught, the scientists flew straight to Sweden and traveled to the greenhouse with a set of sledgehammers as soon as they released the report on their findings. According to them, after 20 hours of laborious demolition, they managed to destroy every last part of the greenhouse and burned the wreckage, thus, according to their statement, “saving the goddamn world.”
“See, while statistics and research pointed towards the human production of CO2 and other gases causing global warming, all of that turned out to be false, just complete baloney. It was actually this small Swedish greenhouse that was synthesizing 35.6 Gigatonnes of CO2 per year and pumping it straight into the sky,” said researcher Ed Appson. “As crazy as it sounds, it’s no crazier than the idea that all of this gas was man-made; that’s just ridiculous.”
This revelation has changed popular outlook and political discourse in many countries; in the United States, the Republican party has been celebrating “being right all along for once.”
“While maybe we didn’t get all the details right, we are happy that we were at least right that this climate stuff was not man-made,” stated Senator Ted Cruz. “Now we have scientific proof that it isn’t our fault and we can finally shut down all these climate initiatives put in place by President Obama that have been ruining our country. God, it feels good to have a win.”
While the findings are cause for celebration, there has been some dissent over the issue of whether or not the Columbia team’s research is founded from multiple scientists, many calling the research “dubious” and “nonsensical.” The largest complaint has been that the published report was only just one page with a map to Sweden drawn in crayon, with the words “We found it!” written everywhere.
“Look, we stand by our findings,” said Fulson. “We spent countless hours and millions of dollars, funded by our generous backer BP Global, trying to find this greenhouse. And goddamnit, we did it. The facts were there, we just had to look for them. Why can’t people just see the cold hard truth staring them in the face and understand that global warming is a threat to our world and we successfully stopped it?”
The team of scientists has reportedly wasted no time celebrating and is already on to researching how to stop another world threatening event: the eventual tanking of the economy.
“Well first we have to figure out where this tank is located and who owns it, and then we have to figure out how to destroy it. Tanks are pretty tough,” said Appson. “But this will probably only take us seven years at most — we know what we’re doing.”
