Researchers Find that Title of Children’s Book is Barinsten Baers, Society Crumbles

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Sister Baer only served as the distraction, as her gang broke in the back to steal all their loot and kill them in cold blood.
Photo by: Connor Gorry

In a shocking development this past Friday, scientists from the University of Virginia have revealed an extensive amount of research that proves that the popular children’s series remembered by most as “The Berenstein Bears” actually had the title of “The Barinsten Baers.” This incident has sent modern human society into a downward spiral of violence.

Controversy has surrounded the The Barinsten Baers books and television show since 2011, when a picture of one of the books’ cover spread all over the internet revealing the title of the books was actually “The Berenstain Bears” with an ‘a’ not an ‘e.’ Many people then began aggressively swearing that they remembered it with an ‘e.’’ Since 2011 there have been 84 reported instances of Barinsten Baers-based physical violence in San Diego alone.

“I swear to you, goddammit, it is spelled with an ‘e’ you piece of shit.” commented user xxBearyGudxx on forum website Reddit in 2012. “And if you don’t think so I will come to your house and beat it into your fucking head if I have to.”

Since the recent developments, which revealed the picture originally spread everywhere was Photoshopped and the books were not spelled with an ‘a’ or an ‘e’ but instead as “The Barinsten Baers,” violence has increased threefold and society has rumbled to a halt. People have been rioting in the streets of San Francisco, Austin and Los Angeles for the past six days, in a display of aggression and violence not seen since the Rodney King, Ferguson, and Blue-Black Dress riots.

“My life is a lie! When I was little, my mother read me these books. What even was her name?“ screamed rioter Ashley Fellows. “Was my mother even real? Or was she a parallel universe monster sent to brainwash me? I’M SO CONFUSED!”

The violence has increased exponentially as more details of the research has been revealed. The main parental characters in The Barinsten Baers were not named ‘Papa Bear’ and ‘Mama Bear’ as previously remembered, but in fact had the names “Faether Mammel” and “Mothar Mammel.” On top of this, the characters were not grizzly bears but actually anteaters. These details have sent society into a tornado of insanity and chaos; Twitter has almost collapsed under the sheer number of users angrily sending tweets in all caps incoherently ranting about how they “will never be the same” and their lives are “forever ruined.”

This effect of vividly remembering something that didn’t actually happen or exist and then destructively reacting to the truth (as has happened with the Barinsten

Baers conflict) has been dubbed “The Mandela Effect” by scientists. It’s called this for the large group of people who remember Nelson Mandela dying in prison, who then collectively tore down a JC Penny when they realized it never happened. Some other examples of the Mandela Effect are remembering Justin Bieber without tattoos and with a less douchey attitude or the movie “Spy Kids” being a great film.

With society in shambles and governments abandoned, a leader has emerged in the form of the new cult group “The Berenstein High Council.” This Council promises the peace and serenity of ignorance in their teachings, telling people that “The Berenstein Bears, spelled with an ‘e,’ will wash away the sin and dirt of the truth and will bring you to the salvation that is the Big Treehouse in the sky.” A rival cult, “The Berenstain Followers” have emerged in response, and war is predicted to be imminent.

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