This past Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles won their first Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots decisively 41-33. Local Philadelphians, after rioting and turning the Liberty Bell into a celebratory Cheese-Whiz bathtub with “FUCK BRADY” and “BIG DICK NICK” carved into the side, claimed to be upset over the victory.
“Look, I wasn’t pleased when we got in the Super Bowl to begin with,” said Neil Hendge. “We went into the game, with our golden boy QB, Carson Wentz, injured, against the Patriots of all teams. How I am supposed to walk out of that without a hernia, win or not?”
According to the fans, this win is good, but it just creates larger problems for the team.
“We’ve peaked! There’s no way you can top beating Tom Brady with a backup QB. On top of that, our backup Nick Foles literally caught a throw for a touchdown! Now, the only way I can be happy is if we win again next year with half the defense and a literal eagle as the coach,” said Hendge.
Reports have now come in that after the celebratory parade, thousands of Philadelphians have thrown away their “chuckin’ batteries” in a city-wide sense of mourning.