Breaks Time, Man Builds Time Machine


Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Scientists have joined to stabilize the continuum, but don’t believe they can fix time until either 2073 or 307 B.C.

“The first thing I did with the time machine was what everyone would do,” said Davers, fighting Ottomans off with a taser. “I went back to 1936, visited the German Olympics, and tried to kill Hitler.

“I get it, maybe I shouldn’t have tried to stop my own birth by changing my young grandfather’s views from anti-Irish to pro-gay rights,” screamed Davers from a Cessna plane flying over the crucifiction of Jesus. “But this isn’t terrible.”

As a result of Davers’ actions, time has been irrevocably scrambled. Timelines have converged in on each other, swarming the world with flying cars, dinosaurs, and the 201087 Cro-Tallon Shmepole.

“I accidentally stabbed Jesse Owens,” continued Davers, “so I went back in time to prevent it, but I accidently stabbed myself, and that’s when a third me dressed as Captain Ahab appeared and things got weird.”

Local man Jeff Davers finally tested his time machine last Tuesday. But according to scientists Galileo Galilei and Elon Musk IV, he used it so recklessly that he broke time.

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