An enormous drug bust carried out by local authorities in a San Bernadino suburb Monday morning resulted in the seizure of millions of dollars’ worth of cocaine, as well as the arrests of four local authorities.

The original SWAT team showed up to act on the warrant issued last week early in the morning. However the raid did not get underway until a couple of hours after the SWAT team’s arrival, when Sergeant Aaron Flowe suddenly lifted his SWAT helmet to see his team and himself waiting outside his own house.

“I told my team leader to put the battering ram down,” recounted Sergeant Flowe. “I had the keys to the house in question, and as it was we had just repainted the door frame last weekend.”

As the SWAT team swept the living room, with Flowe following and replacing the throw pillows just like his wife liked them, another member of the team, Detective Crow, made a discovery. A small Ziploc bag of cocaine was hanging on the backside of a framed photo of Flowe shaking hands with the LAPD police chief.

Flowe confronted the detective and accused Crow of framing him. “I know all the tricks. Believe me, I’ve put away countless numbers of dangerous urban youngsters. That’s the exact dime bag every officer carries for planting evidence. You’ve just made yourself a primary suspect, Crow.”

To prove his point further, Flowe approached Sergeant Campbell and pulled another dime bag of cocaine from behind her ear in a sleight of hand move he picked up at the academy. But this did not calm the situation, as footage from one of the officer’s body cams showed. An audio transcription is reprinted below, with Captain Hanlon speaking first:

“She’s packing, she’s packing! [Sounds of handguns cocking] Freeze Campbell! God damn, what dirty ears you have. Crow, check behind there just make sure that’s all. [At this point the camera showed another SWAT member pulling a dime bag from his sleeve. Several officers turned their guns toward him, and soon the whole of the LAPD squad was engaged in a tense standoff.]

“Crow! Seize that cocaine from him, Sergeant Scott! Detective Hofmann! I have serious reason to believe Crow is holding some devil’s dandruff. Go over there undercover and see if you can extract it from him. Flowe! You’re not off the hook yet. Handcuff yourself to yourself so you won’t get away! … By the way, is anyone selling? I’m just looking for a tenth.”

When the dust of two cumulative pounds of cocaine tossed about had settled, four officers found themselves in the backs of squad cars. The unarrested officers Ubered back to the station, as those in the backs of the vehicles were also discovered to be the drivers. Mrs. Flowe’s throw pillows would never have the same bounce again.

Upon his arrival back at the station, Captain Hanlon was greeted with a standing ovation. In a statement to the press, he emphasized this was “just another day in the life.”

“At the end of the day, I’ve put away another bad guy [motioning to the handcuffs around his wrists]. That’s one less bad guy to harass you on the street if you’ve been drinking. One less bad guy to shoot harmless citizens in broad daylight.”

Hanlon is being presented by the LAPD with a medal of courage next month, after he posts bail. Upon his receiving the award invitation, Hanlon put down his upside down credit card, rolled up fifty, and wondered to himself, “Am I a cop? Because I have to tell me if I’m a cop.”