Persephone Refuses to Leave Underworld Due to Climate Change Denial

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

Persephone told reporters, “I’ll go back to Earth when the Styx freezes over.”
Photo by: Jan Hsiao

The polar vortex that affected the midwestern United States has caused many politicians to further their belief that “climate change is nothing but a hoax.” An interview with Persephone, the Greek goddess of spring and vegetation, revealed that this was actually intended to have the opposite effect.

Persephone’s reaction to the severe climate effects was reportedly a mix of extreme anger and sorrow as she explained to her mother she was not planning on returning to Olympus this year. She preferred to stay in the Underworld with her husband, Hades. When asked the reasoning behind her decision, Persephone explained that she believed there was “no point in having spring come forth if the humans aren’t going to acknowledge that there has been a significant change in climate.”

“The stupid humans are messing up the environment,” Persephone explained, “And until all those dumb climate change deniers get themselves killed, I’ll have no escape from them. So, until something is done, I’m going to stay down here and let my mother, Demeter, have all Underworld break loose.”

This news has caused concern among many, fearing what the effects of an eternal winter would have on quality of life and Earth’s ecosystems. “Until Persephone comes home to bring spring, nothing will be able to grow and food may become scarce,” shared local amateur meteorologist, ecologist, and classicist Anastasia Contos. “The Greeks said it, so it has to be true.”

“We have some food stored, and we can source some meat, but we’re looking at mass famine here,” said Oliver McDonald, a farmer from Ohio. “Personally, I believe all the climate change warnings, but I’m not sure if dying due to starvation is better or worse.”

Demeter is reportedly furious at her daughter’s decision. Though she has accepted her daughter’s normal absence after centuries, Demeter has shared that a longer separation from Persephone is something she does not want to experience. “She’s only a child. She shouldn’t be making such decisions on her own,” Demeter stated, “And why does she care about what humans are doing to Earth? If she cared, she’d call me every once in a while instead of spending time with Artemis or her awful husband.”

Politicians were uncertain in how to proceed with Persephone’s claim. Reports suggested many of these politicians were treating her statement as “merely a bluff” and that “Demeter will eventually pull her back to Earth, possibly by her ear.” Others are allegedly concerned due to the noticeable drop in temperature, resulting in bill proposals for “temples that honor Persephone, similar to the ones made in ancient Greece.” Persephone reportedly displayed her powers to climate change deniers, as many of them grew flowers on their head every time they used the phrase: “Well, I read an article from Facebook, and … ”

As of this report, Persephone is still in the Underworld and does not show signs of leaving. Hades shared, “We’ve been spending many days together now cuddling in blankets while watching old Christmas specials, drinking hot chocolate, and watching those stupid mortals freeze to death. I’ve never been happier or prouder of my wife.”

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