Campus
UCSD Overhauls Remedial Math
“THWwACK,” said one anonymous ruler.Photo by Ariel Chen After a recent faculty report exposed “really scary” deficits in student mathematics preparedness, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla will begin …
UCSD Unveils New AI Therapist
“What an interesting query — have you tried using UCSD CAPS?” generated the AI therapist.Photo by Amit Roth Following widespread student complaints about the lack of …
UCSD Writing Programs Introduce New ‘Metamorphic’ Curriculum to Fail Students
“What does the use of the space bar say about the author’s intentions?” asked one professor. Multiple UC San Diego writing programs announced that they will be completely rehauling…
UCSD Extends Quarter for Chemistry Department ‘Christmas Final’
“Can we get this to happen to the biology majors too?” said one evil biology student. UC San Diego has decided to extend the 2025 Fall Quarter by two weeks following requests from the chemistry…
Ditto AI Pivots to Circus Industry
“I saw a giraffe with two necks and no feet,” said one visitor. Widely regarded as the source of “all those annoying posters on campus,” matchmaking service Ditto AI has decided to take advantage…
Nirvana Discovered on Border Between Hypomania and Mania
“Wait, can I just, like, pretend to do this without the caffeine?” said one social media influencer. At approximately 2 a.m. this past Tuesday, UC San …
UCSD Announces Another Construction Project
“When I can’t sleep and the beam passes the window, I can see the silhouette of my roommate…pleasuring himself…” said one student. Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced …
Aircrafts to Only Fly at ‘Worst Possible Time’
“INAUDABLE,” said Andrew Jeong.Photo by Ariel Chen In a “historic” effort, both UC San Diego and the 3rd Air Wing of the United States Marine Corps, …
UCSD Renames Sixth College After RuPaul
“A” letter grades have been replaced with “S”, which stands for “Serving”.Photo by Daniel Palacios-Villegas In honor of National LGBTQIA+ History Month, UC San Diego announced …
Alcoholics Anonymous of UCSD to Be Introduced to Campus
“First, no coffee — now, no beer?” said one newly converted Mormon.Photo by Ezra Bihis UC San Diego is set to introduce an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) …
