Campus
Ditto AI Pivots to Circus Industry
“I saw a giraffe with two necks and no feet,” said one visitor. Widely regarded as the source of “all those annoying posters on campus,” matchmaking service Ditto AI has decided to take advantage…
Nirvana Discovered on Border Between Hypomania and Mania
“Wait, can I just, like, pretend to do this without the caffeine?” said one social media influencer. At approximately 2 a.m. this past Tuesday, UC San …
UCSD Announces Another Construction Project
“When I can’t sleep and the beam passes the window, I can see the silhouette of my roommate…pleasuring himself…” said one student. Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced …
UCSD Writing Programs Introduce New ‘Metamorphic’ Curriculum to Fail Students
“What does the use of the space bar say about the author’s intentions?” asked one professor. Multiple UC San Diego writing programs announced that they will be completely rehauling…
Aircrafts to Only Fly at ‘Worst Possible Time’
“INAUDABLE,” said Andrew Jeong.Photo by Ariel Chen In a “historic” effort, both UC San Diego and the 3rd Air Wing of the United States Marine Corps, …
UCSD Renames Sixth College After RuPaul
“A” letter grades have been replaced with “S”, which stands for “Serving”.Photo by Daniel Palacios-Villegas In honor of National LGBTQIA+ History Month, UC San Diego announced …
Alcoholics Anonymous of UCSD to Be Introduced to Campus
“First, no coffee — now, no beer?” said one newly converted Mormon.Photo by Ezra Bihis UC San Diego is set to introduce an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) …
UCSD Offers Baphomet Muscle Machine
“No pain, no Faustian gain!” said Aryn Gonzaga.Photo by Amit Roth Following a recent study revealing 64% of adults aged 18–24 are looking for easier ways …
UCSD Introduces New Remote College
“How do I apply to be an RA for Ninth College?” asked one freak.Photo by Amit Roth and Cole Johnson Chancellor Pradeep Khosla unveiled plans for …
Students Struggle With Dorm Heat
“Cool me down like you’re supposed to do,” said one student. “Sweat runs down my thighs.”Photo by Ezra Bihis As UC San Diego students move in …
