“First, no coffee — now, no beer?” said one newly converted Mormon.
Photo by Ezra Bihis
UC San Diego is set to introduce an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) branch on its campus as a means of “providing students with crucial mental health support.” This program will be open to any UCSD student struggling with alcohol use and abuse. “There comes a point where we must recognize that this is a pressing area of concern on our campus,” said AA UCSD program director Karen Country. “It is important to hold space for our students and offer them the support they need. And, as every good addiction counselor knows, what they really need is a firm voice to simply tell them ‘STOP.’”
“The first step to recovery is to radically accept that your habits are out of your control and are a product of sin,” said AA group leader and UCSD clinician Meridith-Teresa Jones. “By human nature, we are often lured into temptation and spoil ourselves on the bodily fluids of Christ. It is as natural as feeding oats to a pig to be slaughtered, it is within the natural order. Therefore, we have no control over our insatiable thirst for the bottle.” Jones further explained that the AA process helps clients to develop a new identity outside of alcoholism and continuously maintain sobriety. “Here at AA UCSD, we believe the soul can be absolved of its past faults if we simply surrender ourselves to Him, taking in His love and guidance toward the light. It is truly as simple as — what do the young ones say — ‘letting God handle it,’ yes…faith in God conquers all.”
Public opinion on the campus AA branch has been mixed. “I don’t know how they just expect me to quit cold turkey,” reported one student. “‘Be honest with your therapist,’ they say. ‘It will be fine,’ they say. Now I have Mother Teresa breathing down my neck trying to get me to lay off the soju. I don’t think they understand that drinking is the only thing I have control over in this messed up world. Have any of these counselors actually had experience with this shit?”
“I don’t know how forcibly cutting people off from alcohol completely is meant to help,” said Barb Collins, a third-year sociocultural anthropology major. “It only leads to more stigma and shame, less trust in those that are trying to help, and people seeking out riskier means of getting it.”
Many other students, however, have been supportive of the new initiative. “My roommate just drinks all night and refuses to go to class the next morning! Her poor grades, how will they recover?” said Cindy Chou, a fourth-year biology major. “I think this program would be good for her. I mean, she just won’t stop. It’s not like stopping will kill her! I don’t know what could possibly push her to do something like that to herself. I mean, it’s not like there are multiple ongoing genocides, the planet decaying under the weight of our inventions, and an ever-climbing cost of living, all while alcohol just happens to provide a cheap escape from all of that…right?”
AA UCSD meetings will be held on campus at 6 p.m. in Half-Dome Lounge each Tuesday. “We hope to see you there!” Chancellor Khosla said during a recent press conference. “I mean — the AA UCSD team…I’m not at the meetings, why would I be, haha…”
Retired from sad, new career in satire.
