“No pain, no Faustian gain!” said Aryn Gonzaga.
Photo by Amit Roth
Following a recent study revealing 64% of adults aged 18–24 are looking for easier ways to get in shape, UC San Diego Recreation has purchased a state-of-the-art Sacrificial Brazen Altar of Idolatry. According to UCSD Recreation High Priestess of the Occult and the Esoteric, Aryn Gonzaga, this will allow students to give offerings to the Sabbatic Goat Baphomet in return for a “better body.”
“I think people are really going to jive with this new addition to the gym,” added Gonzaga. “I gave it a try yesterday during the full moon. After a short hour, which felt like 10,000 years of eternal damnation, and a small amount of Filipino-Catholic guilt, I noticed I could do a pretty good muscle-up.” When asked about optimal sacrifices, she recommended, “Well, as with anything, your soul and eternal devotion to the Dark Prince Himself will yield the best results, but a young sacrificial lamb or your ability to love purely will also give results that the ladies will fawn over, if you catch my drift.”
The Rec Center has announced that any gifts to Baphomet must be self-sourced and that students must wipe down the altar after sacrificial activity. The Episcopal Conference of Southern California (ECSC), the presiding Catholic authority overseeing San Diego, has sent Bishop Rogelio Bonilla to discourage what the conference deems “unnecessary blasphemy.” Bonilla, a respected bodybuilder, called for the immediate dissolution of the altar:
“Mira papi, under this cassock, soy un papasote and I have unos musculos that would embarrass Schwarzenegger in his prime. Y que? I got these through praying, attending the church of steel, and eating mi mami’s mofongo. You can do it too, no need for el altar del diablo, guey.”
Bonilla has begun to host the podcast “Lifting with Your Soul,” where he leads weightlifting workouts in protest of the altar. Lifting influencers have begun creating social media content about the altar, including discussion about which sacrifices are best, the benefits of muscle from unknown origins, and dealing with the “inevitable march towards an infinite punishment of fire and brimstone due to their pride and self-lust.” Dr. Ike Ishraetel, host of the podcast “Zenith Lifting,” has become a micro-celebrity within the lifting community for debunking myths surrounding the rituals.
“For the past ten years I’ve had to make up some buuuuullshii-iiiiit [sic]. I’ve had to really milk the fuck out of these gym bros in order to make videos, I mean, really just tugging at loose ends, hoping I find something, and people always end up lapping up what comes out with a smile on their face. But this new ritual is ripe with content, I mean, who isn’t willing to trade a soul for some gains?”
On October 23rd, Ishraetel traveled to San Diego to use the altar for himself and demonstrate its safety and effectiveness. “Nothing tastes as good as benching 405 feels,” he stated while shaking the vial containing his sacrifice—the part of the soul that experiences taste and smell. With Gonzaga’s help, he chanted the necessary incantation, “Sancte diabolus, hodie mecum in ascensore meo iunge!” and smashed the vial against the Idol of Baphomet, despite protests from Bonilla: “¡Papi, no! Never again will you enjoy mis arepitas!”
Observers were unable to recollect the immediate aftermath of the ritual, but after black mist parted to reveal a visibly more muscular Ishraetel, the crowd encouraged him to show off. “He was so red and hinchado, you know. Y luego he just collapsed, pobrecito,” said a shocked Bonilla. Following a three-week stay in Scripps Hospital, Ishraetel said, “That silly goose Baphomet absolutely loved my sacrifice so much he gave me traps the size of watermelons, but not the mind-muscle connection to control them. When I tried to turn around, I snapped my skull off of my spine. Talk about really feeling that deep stretch.” Currently, Ishraetel intends to use the altar again to fix his inability to walk, move his arms, and breathe without assistance.
2001’s El Hombre del Siglo by Excelsior magazine and holder of UCSD’s Croatian Crotch Squat Championship Belt
