“Cool me down like you’re supposed to do,” said one student. “Sweat runs down my thighs.”
Photo by Ezra Bihis
As UC San Diego students move in for the 2025–26 school year, many have complained about an “uncomfortable” temperature in the residence halls. With an average temperature of 89° Fahrenheit, residents report concern over the potential health consequences of exposure to the high temperature.
“I’m sweating my nuts off over here, brah,” said Marshall Uppers resident Samantha Hutchins. “How can anyone live in these conditions? My roommate refuses to switch off of her solid quartz block deodorant. I’m suffocating here.”
In lieu of temperature regulation in the dorms, a wave of students have opted for more traditional methods of cooling down. Reports indicate that the Revelle Plaza fountain has seen “more students present than water.”
“I love it here, man. When it’s noon and I go into heat, it’s so refreshing to get sprayed with the fountain’s jets,” Maron Platzo, first-year biology major verbally ejaculated.
The fountain’s popularity has increased so much that Revelle College has begun to implement restrictions on “water fountain time”. Students are only allowed 10 minutes in the fountain before being sent to sit under a neighboring tree until their turn comes again.
Other students have taken to forcefully occupying air-conditioned lecture halls and kicking out scheduled classes who have the room reserved to avoid the heat.
“We the people, in order to form a chiller zone, in the hopes of a sweat-free area, and to be free from B.O., have ordained Jeannie Lecture Hall a sovereign land, free from the grips of high humidity and temperature. We will not be stepped on,” proclaimed a scantily clad Professor Flossy Bewlew before an equally undressed press conference.
After eschewing all those activities, Marshall College Provost Waily Wally was asked how she preferred students and faculty deal with the heat.
“Who cares? A bunch of Whinny Willies whining while wasting water which was willingly warmed. We waddle while waterlogged,” Wally replied.
Some students felt her answer was “half-hearted.”
“Is she saying we need to go to the beach?” asked Hutchins.
Wally later clarified, “Yes.”
In addition to resident discomfort, the “scorching” dorms have led to a 2000% increase in mold coverage due to hot moist air traveling up from the coast.
“The mold is starting to take over more than just our cabinets and lungs,” Hutchins explained. “Last week, I had to pass off my moldy t-shirt as a chic new fashion trend popularized in Singapore. I’ve never even met a ‘Singapore-ican’ [sic], let alone one with fashion sense.”
The campus-wide shade inequality has led to a rift between students at different colleges. Self-proclaimed “Shade Activist” Ebert Marchuse has begun lobbying for communal usage of shade throughout campus in addition to an increase in native trees.
“Muir is clearly the one with the most shade and is unwilling to share it with us. Their clear shadeperialist attitude toward those in ERC and other third-shade-colleges is condemnable. We need proper shade equity throughout the university, otherwise we will end up with 1% of the students hoarding 90% of the cover,” said Marchuse.
2001’s El Hombre del Siglo by Excelsior magazine and holder of UCSD’s Croatian Crotch Squat Championship Belt
