“I saw a giraffe with two necks and no feet,” said one visitor.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
Widely regarded as the source of “all those annoying posters on campus,” matchmaking service Ditto AI has decided to take advantage of its “iron grip” over UC San Diego bulletin boards by announcing a new project. According to Ditto founder-CEO Caesillius P. Quentinlious’s X Spaces speech, the Grok-wrapper company will phase out its dating services for “something more worthwhile”: the circus industry.
“After much soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that trying to compete with Tinder, Ashley Madison, and D4DJ Twitter is incredibly stupid!” Quentinlious ranted. “That’s why, effective immediately, I’ll be reorganizing my company to pursue my true dream — the stage….or should I say…the Big Top!” Later that night, Quentinlious livestreamed a “Get Ready With Me” video on Instagram, showing him in the process of putting on a clown outfit and makeup.
The newly named “Ditto Circus” will operate as a “mostly stationary” circus, occupying space in front of Geisel Library “just as [they] have occupied so much space on university bulletin boards,” according to Quentinlious. The circus will operate within a custom DittoAI-branded Big Top tent, designed in-house by the company’s image generation function. The tent itself is “easily postable” to allow the circus to “get on the road, should other universities look to host [their] great circus.” The show itself will include “all the normal circus fare, like animals, or something” as well as “breathtaking” and “awe-inspiring” feats such as competitive water usage, a generated video of something resembling gymnastics, and an act referred to in the program as “Clowns+”.
The “sudden change” reportedly surprised Ditto employees, after the company told them via email that they could either “join the circus or leave [the company].” Many opted to stay with Ditto, with one employee saying that “fighting for a job in today’s market” would be “less degrading than joining the literal circus.” These employees have since received specialized training in the “circle” arts, as well as a 50% reduction in pay.
Former Ditto marketing director–turned–lion-tamer Sigmund Pendleton, shared, “I miss my office. I really do. But, now, at least I’m making people smile, instead of contributing to the Holocene extinction and taking advantage of the loneliness epidemic.” According to his mother, who watched the circus rehearsals, “There’s a light in his eyes I haven’t seen since he was a child. He’s truly happy now.”
“We revolutionized the dating scene with Ditto AI by ensuring that literally none of you could walk to class without seeing one of our posters,“ Quentintilious said, in a livestream before the inaugural show. “Now, we’ll revolutionize the circus industry with ‘Dit d’Soleil’, one AI-generated joke at a time.”
World-renowned rapper, set ordinance, and map direction, Patriarch Cardi(nal) previously ventured on a quest by the Basileus ton Rhomaion to find the elixir of life. Failing in this, he was then banished to live in the oubliette of the Méga Palátion in Constantinople — and now begs for those above the grate to "let him out of the pit."
