“[INAUDABLE],” said Andrew Jeong.
Photo by Ariel Chen
In a “historic” effort, both UC San Diego and the 3rd Air Wing of the United States Marine Corps, stationed at MCAS Miramar, have come to an agreement to only fly military aircraft over the campus at the “most inopportune times humanly possible.”
During a public press conference held by the administration last Wednesday, Shawn McDowell, Executive Director of Military and Governmental Acquiescence, announced, “We have buried the proverbial hatchet with our Marine Corps neighbors; the fighter jets which you may have previously heard will now only operate during midterms, finals, dormitory quiet hours, study sessions at Geisel Library, tender moments between young adults discovering true romance for the first time in a cold and uncaring world, quiet moments of contemplation in which you would have found meditative peace, and generally, when it is the least appropriate.”
The rest of the press conference was interrupted by planes flying overhead.
“What did he say?” asked one audience member.
The USMC Public Affairs office has released an official statement in conjunction with campus administration, stating, “We appreciate the cooperation by the UCSD staff during these negotiations. While we advocate for our esteemed pilots’ continued training, we also understand that the F/A-18C Hornet and F-35C fighter jets break the very barrier of sound, creating massive shockwaves which can deafen unprotected ears. This compromise will allow our pilots to remain the best trained and most lethal in the world, while simultaneously scaring the absolute shit out of new freshmen and transfers just trying to have a quiet moment to themselves.”
Andrew Jeong, a third-year student majoring in electrical engineering, attempted to express his concern about the new ordinance. When asked what this would mean for his studies, he replied, “I’m sorry, you’re going to have to speak up… My studies? What about them? I’m sorry, maybe we should do this another time.”
Kaitlyn Mono, a first-year student currently living in the Tuolumne apartments at Muir College, has weighed in with a positive view of the agreement. “So, yeah, I got here about a month ago and before the ordinance, my bunkmate would have her partner over most nights and they would get really, well, loud. Now that the agreement has been made, I can, like, finally get a good night’s sleep.” She added, “The planes have been putting out really good white noise, and they always seem to circle overhead when my roommate and her partner are, y’know… busy. I just wish they could do something about the smell.”
Capt. James Blanchard, a fighter pilot with the 3rd Air Wing, expressed ambivalence toward the agreement: “Yeah dude, I don’t really care to be honest. I fly fighter jets for a living, and that makes me cooler than you,” he said in an interview. “Do you really think we give a fuck about you lib-cuck softies? Oh man. That’s hilarious.” When asked what he thought about the potential negative effects on students’ studies, he responded, “Dude, you’re going to have to speak up. I’m half deaf.”
Blanchard, Mono, Jeong, and McDowell are currently imperceptible for further comment.
