“Wait, can I just, like, pretend to do this without the caffeine?” said one social media influencer.
At approximately 2 a.m. this past Tuesday, UC San Diego student Ursa Major was seen balancing on the edge of the rooftop at the Tuolumne apartments, with his “arms spread out like an angel, evangelizing his enlightenment to the sky above.” Major attributed this “enlightenment” to his discovery of what he described as “Nirvana, just not the band because I highkey can’t stand them.”
After word of his experience spread to other students across UCSD, many expressed enthusiasm about reaching a similar state themselves.
“I found it, cheek pressed to concrete,” explained Major in an interview. “My heart was pounding in my chest, eyes wide like gaping holes in my skull. Nirvana is the best way I can describe the feeling. Utmost release. An orgasmic sensation of completeness, of being whole with the cosmos. Your body is no longer a body, but just a vessel tethered to this world. All suffering gone, your mind completely at peace. The universe swallows you whole and yet you don’t feel lost — you finally feel found.”
After further investigation into Major’s background, it was discovered that he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type otherwise specified. It is believed that he achieved “Nirvana” via a heightened physiological state. When questioned whether he was under the influence of any substances, Major reportedly replied, “Isn’t it a blessing I can reach this level of ecstasy without need for any? I’ll gladly relish this feeling, drifting between hypomania and mania, if it means I won’t have to feel the crash for now.” The rest of the interview was deemed to be “incomprehensible.” Major’s drug screening was clean, confirming this to be the result of a hypomanic episode.
With more and more students hearing of Major’s experience and attempting to replicate it, Jacobs Medical Center has seen a drastic skyrocket in student Emergency Room visits, as well as drug-related incidents across campus.
“I just thought, well, if I couldn’t reach that blissful state of hypomania by myself, I could at least take something to get me close to it!” said one anonymous student. “I just wanted to have that same fun feeling, you know?”
Another student reported that they had “downed an ungodly amount of caffeine just to see if [they] could reach that same heightened level.” The student, and multiple peers who attempted the same, are reportedly suffering from severe cardiac issues.
“I don’t know what these kids think they’re doing,” said EMT Casey Stoker. “Clearly, the youth are unaware of the realities of hypomania and being bipolar. I wouldn’t call it cute, and I wouldn’t call it spiritually liberating. I would call any attempt at trying to ‘achieve’ hypomania stupid and dangerous, and this ‘trend’ inherently undermines the realities that people with bipolar face. Despite what he was saying, this student was not experiencing ‘Nirvana’ — he was experiencing the harsh realities of mental illness, and that is not something to be romanticized.”
Despite the situation on campus, UCSD students claim there has been “little to no change in social atmosphere.”
Retired from sad, new career in satire.
