“In this room, my mini fridge looks like a regular fridge,” said Cole Habitation.
Photo by Naomika Nadkarni and James Woolley
UC San Diego has announced it will eliminate all single rooms by replacing them with mini-triple rooms, in an ambitious plan to alleviate the lack of on-campus housing for students. These new “housing solutions” will be furnished with three-tier bunk beds to maximize vertical space and three “micro-tables,” each half the size of a regular desk.
“Think of how many more students we can cram in each building!” said Student Housing Solutions Leader Norm McDorm. “We’ll be well on our way to being the four-year residential school we all fantasize about.” When asked about the potential risks that could arise in a high-density living environment, McDorm explained, “It’s technically just below the legal limit of being a fire hazard, so it’s fine.” The rent will be the same as a regular triple room, and all students will be required to purchase the larger Gold Dining Plan. HDH predicts that this will reduce the amount of time mini-triple residents spend in their rooms, as students will be preoccupied with trying to spend their Dining Dollars. “If you never see your roommates, you can never have conflict with them!” said McDorm. In addition, all remaining double rooms will be converted to “double-doubles” through the implementation of Murphy bunk beds that also function as storage during the day.
This decision has sparked criticism from several students. “This is a terrible idea!” said first-year Cole Habitation at a protest against this change. “It’s bad enough that doubles have been converted to triples, but mini-triples?!” When asked for his view on these protests, McDorm responded, “These silly students don’t know what they’re talking about — this is a fantastic idea and will definitely fix the lack of on-campus housing forever. But why do they keep bringing up Sisyphus?”
In a speech addressed to the university administration, Student Housing Initiative President Diana Reasonablesson asked, “What happens when there isn’t enough housing for all four years? Are you going to put people in the tunnels? The best solution is to build more housing, not cram more people into what we already have.” The speech was later posted on Instagram, where it garnered 87 likes.
Despite the resistance, HDH is moving forward with these new changes; the new mini-triple rooms will be set up over the summer to be ready for the incoming students of Fall 2024. HDH has also teased a future plan to add “vertical hammocks” to dorm common rooms as extra bedspaces. These common room residences will be offered at the discounted rate of $999.98 per month.
