“You have been condemned to Hell,” said Canvas.
Photo by Ezra Bihis
Over the past few weeks, UC San Diego undergraduates like Deni Isle have noted that the end of the 2025–26 school year “feels like it’s been dragging out for years.” After conducting various studies, researchers at the UCSD Institute of the Relentless Passage of Time (IRPT) concluded that it has.
“I think the end of every school year kind of feels like this — like we’ve been between Weeks 6–10 of Spring Quarter for far longer than usual, but no matter how many times you confront your Google Calendar, it insists that the passage of time is moving exactly how it should,” Isle said. “That’s why I almost didn’t realize this quarter has lasted for literal years!”
According to a new report from IRPT researchers, an “unknown and unknowable” event recently caused the spacetime manifold of UCSD’s campus to stretch indefinitely, metaphysically inserting several years into the past four weeks without a single person noticing. Many students claimed at first, they thought that time had stopped entirely, but soon realized that several years’ worth of events have indeed happened within what they perceived to be only a few weeks.
In a recent press release, Amara Eon, a representative from the UCSD Registrar’s Office, confirmed that the university is taking steps to adapt to this new phenomenon.
“This quarter, Week 10 will be followed by Week 11,” she said. “Which will be followed by Week 12, and subsequently Week 13. We will continue adding weeks as needed until we figure out when the quarter will officially end.”
Following the press release, students began philosophizing on Yik Yak about the implications of time simultaneously passing impossibly quick and not passing at all. Inah Seck, a fourth-year undergraduate student, expressed appreciation for the time anomaly.
“Of course, I don’t want to keep going to my weekly 8 a.m. discussion for infinitely more weeks than I would have thought possible,” they said. “But at the same time, it isn’t the end of the world. Like, despite all of this school’s flaws — and believe me, there are a lot — it’s kind of nice to wake up every morning in this indefinite Spring Quarter time loop and know that I get to live in a Pretend City-esque bubble of my college years for another day.”
Despite the indefinite extension of Spring 2026, some students suspect UCSD is continuing preparations for this year’s graduation ceremonies.
“Like, I know that theoretically, graduation is happening,” Isle said. “But given that there is potentially infinite time between now and then, I think we should focus on this weird time loop situation before actually planning for it. Seriously, who knows when I’ll actually have to confront the harsh realities of life after graduation?”
At press time, university officials were seen setting up hundreds of chairs on RIMAC Field, which could mean nothing.
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Abby is a "journalist" who has never told a lie in her life. She enjoys long walks on the beach, beating dead horses, and running content at every possible moment.
