“I quite like the soap-cutting videos,” one middle-aged woman said from a 24 Hour Fitness treadmill. “There’s no pronouns in soap.”
Photo by Amit Roth & Jules Ausbrooks
Due to a steady decline of their primary prey, grizzly octogenarians, FOX News recently announced that they “have to go extinct.” “It pains us to say this,” CEO Suzanne Scott explained, “but it seems as though inflammatory articles about how unions and femboys are degrading our society — just like those flappers did in the 1920s, by the way — aren’t hitting the quotas we need to stay relevant with the younger audiences.”
Part of the broader picture of “political climate change,” social ecologist Leila Thesis described FOX’s imminent extinction as a “given.” “With rising temperatures and melting ICE, many species are migrating away from the apex predators they once fed.” Thesis explained. “The humble FOX, requiring a daily diet of at least three brains, is finding fewer species in its habitat that it can use as a food source.” In a last-ditch effort to survive, FOX made the unprecedented decision to “evolve” the media they produce — despite their views on “evolution” — and now plans to produce “silly animal videos, ASMR, and life hacks.”
“The old FOX News is extinct, but our new Foxxo Content Farm can spread our glorious genes for generations to come~!” Scott purred while gutting FOX’s printing presses.
When asked about Foxxo’s speciation, Thesis warned, “This is a prime example of aggressive mimicry. Just as the bee orchid evolved to adopt the shape of a bumble bee, tricking insects into pollinating it, Foxxo is hiding its insidious predation beneath a veneer of ‘cuteness.’”
Despite claiming to be a reliable and unbiased source on “cool animal facts,” viewers have identified dogwhistles in Foxxo’s media, noting that some of their cat TikToks were edited with “these weird viking runes” in the animals’ eyes. Another claimed their YouTube video “ASMR | Ronald Reagan Whispers You Goodnight” was “a little concerning. I mean he kept whimpering about ‘woke alphabet soup orgs’ or something.”
Former photographer Sven Schwab is reportedly relieved at the late FOX’s speciation into Foxxo, exclaiming, “Thank God! All day, every day, they had me stalking Biden, waiting for him to do so much as lower his neck a degree or two so I could snap a photo of ‘Sleepy Joe’ dozing off on the job. I kept asking them if they had anything better for me to do, like covering the human rights violations down the street, but they were adamant, dude.”
Most employees, however, are not as enthusiastic about the evolution. Former media and culture reporter Kristine Parks, now pursuing a custom joint conservative arts/zoology degree from UC San Diego and Prager University, expressed disdain at Foxxo’s pivot in a Xeet: “I used to be able to write about whatever I wanted, my work a salad of spicy adjectives, cherry-picked interview quotes, and rage-baiting headline juxtapositions, oh my! Now Big Foxxo wants me to churn out captions for these insignificant cat videos, and they won’t even let me criticize the abhorrent creatures without researching them first :(”
Parks further protested, “These heathenistic children — or is it hedonistic? Whatever…they both apply — are poisoned by collectivism. In their eyes are delusions of handholding welfare and aberrant fantasy identities that deviate from God’s inscrutable plan.”
One of her classmates, marine biology major Sue Tripe, elaborated: “I just asked her if she wanted to start a study group, and then she ranted to me about how our generation is trying to bring back communism or something.” Nonetheless, Parks continues to attend classes, hoping to culminate in a Ph. D. where she can “prove that cats carry original sin.”
Born of the verboten demicolon, Aidan stitches together phrases, appendages, worlds. He’s allegedly “connected things beyond your mortal comprehension” and plans to horizontally expand across the phylogenetic tree. Resulting from Virginia Woolf's "malign machinations," he has been banished to a lighthouse until he can create functional Icarian wings.
