Point: WHERE ARE MY DESIGNER BABIES???
Self-Proclaimed “Bio-Socialite”
Prepping to be La Jolla’s best mother is no easy task. Our future princess Jadelynne has to be perfect — in every way. My husband Stephen and I have already resorted to sperm donation — let’s be honest: I married him for his Apple shares, not his looks — but any good mother knows that leaving things to chance is for dirty gamblers. As a woman of many means, I planned to spend every cent crafting Jadelynne into the perfect heir to the Titled family, but I was utterly flummoxed to see no such company offers this service!
So we’ve supposedly “mapped the human genome.” So we’ve allegedly “edited genes.” Why, then, won’t they let me edit my precious little fetus into the perfect angel mommy deserves?! I’m thinking of enlarging the brain until we get Jadelynne’s IQ up to 150; I already know I am going to be an immaculate Ivy League mother. And I’ll be all the closer to hooking up with Ruben Talberg once she’s in MENSA! I hate when people assume I’m some evil control freak just because I want Jadelynne to have big, beautiful blue eyes and a pure, symmetrical face. In my opinion, it’s just plain unethical to birth a child that needs filler before age 70! My PCP (Plastics Care Provider) said I needed yet another blepharoplasty last week, and that was the last straw: I cut communications with my mother until she learns to birth better.
I really need Big Pharma to stop beating around the primordial bush and actually make designer babies! Jadelynne’s gotta be my perfect little accessory. I mean, if I can’t have my daughter be 5’7”, BMI 10, then what’s even the point of being a mother?
Counterpoint: Get More Creative
Harvard Graduate and Local Monsterfucker
When I started my gene-editing biotech startup, I wrongly assumed that the nitwit masses would have a modicum of creativity. “Make my baby have a high IQ, give them bluish-greenish eyes, and make them tall, but not too tall, so they aren’t a freak.” Make them not a freak?! It bores me to tears, absolute tears! Tasked to create life from a test tube, the culmination of thousands of years of human scientific achievement, yet these ignoble know-nothings want blue eyes? BLUE EYES?!
Not only did I graduate from Harvard (top of my class, obviously), but I have also received multiple accolades for my work in the human genome. When I finally discovered optimal gene editing techniques, I wept. While I knew my dreams for advanced evolution were becoming reality, my colleagues mocked me. Better to be laughed at than wrong!
“Unethical” is such a subjective figure of speech. Behind closed doors, I have developed the next line in human evolution, something much grander than azure irises! I have created custom creatures by splicing the genetic traits from different species. These de novo humans are the future of humanity and…insanely hot.
In my youth, I perused internet sites such as AO3, DeviantArt, and Tumblr. Ever since, I have been infatuated with cat girls, minotaurs, werewolves, and, of course, moth men. As soon as I made my breakthrough, I knew what I had to do…as soon as I procured funding. I plead that one of these rich, overfed turkeys comprehend that there are bet- ter things than cerulean orbs. I am a god of creation in mortal flesh, restricted by a lack of money and the need to eat.
Born of the verboten demicolon, Aidan stitches together phrases, appendages, worlds. He’s allegedly “connected things beyond your mortal comprehension” and plans to horizontally expand across the phylogenetic tree. Resulting from Virginia Woolf's "malign machinations," he has been banished to a lighthouse until he can create functional Icarian wings.
