“We’re going up, up, up!” said one sperm.
Photo by Amanda Webber
After a predictive model projected that the South Korean population will go extinct by 2030, the Korean government entered an emergency shutdown while officials “devised a solution to prevent the country’s impending demise.” After brainstorming accompanying incentives — which include complementary double eyelid surgery for newborns — lawmakers approved a new K-pop idol egg and sperm donor program to encourage citizens to have more children.
Following the end of the shutdown, South Korean President Lee Jae-myun formally announced the new program. “Do we really want to fix the socio-economic problems that are deeply rooted in Korean society? No, not really. Trenchcoated chaebols have too much aura. But Korea needs more people, preferably hot people. We found that this is the cheapest way to repopulate our incredibly sexy nation.”
While the South Korean government will oversee the opening of the donation bank, various K-pop companies have already added bonus incentives to encourage participants to choose their favorite idols for donation. South Korean music conglomerate HYBE released a statement on Weverse: “Every person who chooses to use the sperm or the egg of a HYBE idol will automatically enroll in a meet-and-greet lottery. The lucky winners will have the donor parent show up at the birth. You could have Jungkook ‘Standing Next to You’ while you push out more fodder for the Korean economic system!”
A competing K-pop label, JYP Entertainment, released its own list of incentives on Bubble. “All JYP donor-conceived children will receive the opportunity to participate in one of our survival shows. Trauma and broken dreams are the most important part of traditional Korean upbringing, and we’re happy to provide that for free!”
Several K-pop idols have shared their thoughts on the new program. During their Las Vegas concert, BTS leader RM commented, “We already gave you our ‘Blood, Sweat, & Tears’, but we are now ready to give you some of our ‘DNA’. We can’t wait to bond with ARMYs in new and exciting ways.” On Instagram live, Stray Kids leader Bang Chan remarked, “Stray Kids has been eight members for a long time, but now we’re ready for more. We’re ready to take ‘Stray Kids all around the world’ to a new level!”
The donation center has reportedly received a flood of inquiries regarding the possibility of combining the DNA of different sperm. They responded, “We are aware of the tremendous demand for spliced sperm — Minsung shippers are determined. We assure you, our top researchers are working day and night to find a solution, but in the meantime, we can give you a cocktail of sperm from various idols. Sort of like Russian roulette.”
K-pop netizens have taken to the internet to share mixed reactions to the news. On Weverse, one excited fan posted, “I need to see what Jisoo and Jin’s baby looks like. Her mathematically perfect face with his broad shoulders and slutty waist. Chef’s kiss.”
Other fans are more weary of the new measure. One skeptical fan posted, “If everyone is hot, then no one is. The social order would be broken! How would the next generation partake in our sacred tradition of bullying ugly people? #KeepKoreaALittleUgly.”
