National
FOX News Goes Extinct
“I quite like the soap-cutting videos,” one middle-aged woman said from a 24 Hour Fitness treadmill. “There’s no pronouns in soap.”Photo by Amit Roth & Jules …
White House Announces New Quarantine Guidelines
“No bulletproof vest for my child, please — they cause autism,” said one anti-vester.Photo by Ezra Bihis & David Muñoz After Saturday’s mass shooting, White House …
National Men’s Day Declared Federal Holiday
Deodorant futures will reportedly plummet.Photo by Abby Offenhauser Following massive uproar on X, formerly known as Twitter, from the newly created “#MenToo” movement, the United States …
‘Performative Male’ Democrat Delivers Performative Filibuster
“The female form is just a work of art, y’know?” said Booker. “It should be worshipped.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt In an attempt to “connect with the …
Film Bros Endangered Following Rise of Short-Fern Content
“Ah— ahh— ahh—” said multiple videos the film bros scrolled past.”Photo by Lilia Sanchez After the discovery of the new invasive media species Shortfernicus slopicus (common …
Cicadaman Emerges from Centennial Slumber
“What did they build in New York?” Cicadaman asked. “Some kind of World Trade Center? Cool! I sure hope nothing happened to it!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …
School Shooters Now Required to Use Silencers During Exam Season
“Quiet coyotes, everyone!” said one teacher between gunshots.Photo by Amit Roth With SAT and AP testing season rapidly approaching, San Diego Unified School District (SDUSD) has …
The Creature Is Coming
“Not everything is about politics,” said The Creature.Photo by Aidan Moran Over the past year, journalists, researchers, and monster-hunters across the United States have begun to …
Epstein Family Amphitheater Found on Flight Logs
“lisdfa;piohjfqwrjoi;sda”said G word hidden. Photo by Dylan Schmidt I n what UC San Diego administrators deem “an unfortunate incident that raises more questions than it answers,” …
Stable Diffusion Kills Last Horse
A sequel Umamusume game will reportedly be based on dogfighting.Photo by Amit Roth L ast night, the World Wild- life Fund (WWF) announced that the last …
