More Wildfires Are Actually Great for Me

Written by: James Woolley

By Gwenyth Scrooge

Okay, fine. I admit it. After watching my favorite vacation home go up in flames, there is no denying that climate change is real. Hopefully the proletariat will be happy now that I’ve admitted I was wrong. I know that 25 years of paying Exxon lobbyists is not a great look, but don’t you worry, I have another scheme that will be even more profitable than Big Oil! I had an epiphany as I stood amidst the smoldering foundations of my once beloved mountain getaway. Firstly, they may burn my home, but they will never burn my money; and secondly, I can use my money to buy burnt
out homes!

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Don’t real estate investors usually buy whole homes? What kind of economy are we entering, pray tell?” Well, you see, I already possess the capital to buy and develop land that has been ravaged by wildfire. After the land is bought, I use my credit score to secure multiple loans from the bank, which prevents me from liquidating any precious assets. Once the homes are built, we charge the new residents a fee to live there — something I’ve learned the proletariat calls “rent” — and that fee pays for the loans I’ve taken out for construction, and eventually, a healthy stock portfolio I can gift to my children! It’s basically like printing free money!

Of course, such investments are undoubtedly going to tarnish the carefully crafted image of the 1%, but fear not my wealthy friends, for I have already thought this through. The most important thing we do is set up an LLC to buy the properties in our stead. This way, our identities will not be exposed to the filthy masses. Then we slap a coat of green paint on the company! We can garner additional support by marketing our construction as climate-friendly, and the positive press will completely mask any backlash.

Backlash that is completely unjustified, might I add. After all, isn’t their money better spent in our hands? The proles waste their days away paying for asinine things like rent and antidepressants. I’m convinced that the only reason they don’t own their houses and drink barbiturates dissolved in champagne to numb their sorrows is that they’re too caught up in the small details, like washing cans before they recycle, taking commercial airlines, and working minimum wage jobs. The plebians are so burdened by their lifestyle choices that they don’t know how much happier they’d be day trading from a Learjet. Indeed, life is so much better when you know how to spend money!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *