Articles
Cows Begin Producing Oat Milk, Cater to Queer Community
“Almonds are reportedly “offended” by the state of affairs.Photo by Amit Roth In what moologists see as a “shocking” agricultural development, an “evolutionary breakthrough” is sweeping …
ICE Unveils New ‘Freeze Ray’
“Shooting dogs has never been more cool!” gushed Kristi Noem.Photo by Amit Roth In a “chilling” development, Immigration Customs En- forcement (ICE) Director Todd Lyons and …
UCSD Gloving and Sliding Teams Duel in Revelle Plaza
“When you’re a glover, you’re a glover all the way,” said one glover. “From your firstcigarette to your last dying day.”Photo by Destiney Friday During a …
Muir to Undergo ‘Progress Initiatives’
“Wow, Sixth College is so big now,” said one student with a visible erection.Photo by David Muñoz On February 19, Muir College sent out an email …
White House Announces New Quarantine Guidelines
“No bulletproof vest for my child, please — they cause autism,” said one anti-vester.Photo by Ezra Bihis & David Muñoz After Saturday’s mass shooting, White House …
National Men’s Day Declared Federal Holiday
Deodorant futures will reportedly plummet.Photo by Abby Offenhauser Following massive uproar on X, formerly known as Twitter, from the newly created “#MenToo” movement, the United States …
I Have Somethin’ Very Important to Say
Listen, I want you to sit down when I tell you this. I’ll wait. Make sure you’re all nice ‘n’ comfy and your seatbelt’s strapped an’ …
Muir College to Become Fifth Student Center
Last week, UC San Diego officials announced to the campus community via email that they were “getting bored” of their ongoing construction projects…
‘Performative Male’ Democrat Delivers Performative Filibuster
“The female form is just a work of art, y’know?” said Booker. “It should be worshipped.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt In an attempt to “connect with the …
Unexplained Virus Plagues Southeast San Diego Communities
“Why can’t these damn civilians stay calm?!” shouted one cop, scratching his head with his gun.”Photo by David Muñoz After the “GENTRI-5” virus began spreading in …
