I Am the Hydro Flask That Falls in Your Lecture

I hear people have been complaining about the occasional, small, itty-bitty noise that I make when I fall in your 8 a.m. lecture (it’s not like you even show up, anyway). The students say that the noises I produce reach a 7.0 on the Richter scale and the only comparison would be the sound of your roommate’s 7 a.m. alarm that they magically never hear. But I’m saving the planet, my dude! Sometimes that requires a little noise. You don’t gotta be so aggro about it.

What are you even trying to do for the planet? You probably think you’re being sustainable by having “Meatless Mondays.” Obviously, you need to switch to a completely vegan diet: cruelty-free, calorie-free, and guilt-filled. You should cry every time you eat food because you are just a con­sumer who adds nothing to the planet. You must also think it’s okay to buy polyester clothes! Don’t you know those leech microplastics into the ocean? Obviously the only solution is to throw out your whole closet and replace it with only natural fiber linens, cottons, and wools. I personally source all of my hemp from a woman in Arkansas who has three autoharp albums on vinyl.

But, of course, zero-waste living starts with baby steps. Small decisions that have an impact on our planet as a whole. Yes, the fate of our planet rests in your hands — or more accurately, your wallet. First things first: get yourself a nice, beautiful Hydro Flask for the cheap and easy price of $60. Next, ignore that you spent an exorbitant amount of money on a metal container that holds 32 ounces of fluid at a temperature best described as “lukewarm.” But if your mommy buys you a ThermoFlask, you’re totally untouchable, my guy. I totally relate though, my dude. It’s almost like this one time when my mom tried to buy me off brand Pitties. I told her, “like totes not cool dude,” but it was all good, I got the Vipers for Christmas.

Unlike that hunk of deformed metal from Costco, I will last you for life (or until you forget to wash me after putting dining hall lemonade in my precious container — acid is bad for my beautiful, metallic skin). Remember! It won’t be worth $60 anymore when you get pneumonia from the new and exciting mold growing at the bottom (so unique that UCSD scientists have named it specifically after you!). You’ll have to take care of me if you want the investment to be worth it — or you can just buy another one, I don’t really care. I am fated to be dented every time some girl named Brittany thinks about the time she dropped her third iPhone into the toilet. I will never forget my true purpose, and the cause I martyr myself for: sustainability.

What did people even do before me? I am the beginning of history. The sun will never set on the Hydro Flask.

(Don’t buy a Stanley!)