Written by: Alberto Ruiz

On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant Stadium has the most up-to-date tools for our fans to enjoy the broadcast — paid for by the Las Vegas tax­payers, of course,” Goodell said in a press conference.

Seats in Allegiant have been outfitted with electric cattle prods at the base, triggered by the sound of snoring. “We don’t want a repeat of a couple years ago, where we were lambasted online because some sleepy asshole bought a ticket. We only want real football fans who bleed Gatorade and can eat a pound of buffalo wings in 3.8 seconds,” Goodell stated.

In light of recent success in their joint venture with Taylor Swift, the NFL purchased special equipment for her: a skybox with a 360° camera, an automated drone camera to follow her around, and AI emotional recognition to adjust the referee’s bias towards the Kansas City Chiefs depending on Swift’s mood. The NFL expects fans to welcome the new celebrity-focused additions to the game and for this Super Bowl to break records.

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