Volume 30 Issue 4
UCSD ‘in Tatters’ After Devastating Winter Storm
UC San Diego found itself in disarray this week after a winter storm wreaked havoc on the campus, leaving administrators scrambling and students’ spirits dampened with …
Amazon Buys the Catholic Church
Last Sunday, Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, announced his intentions to resign from papacy, effective immediately. His resignation was accompanied by an Amazon announcement …
Trump Discovered to Be Immune to Every Disease, Including ‘Rule of Law’
“That’s right,” Donald Trump said. “My bloodstream rejects all foreign bodies!”Photo by Dylan Towner and Amit Roth Last Tuesday, a “groundbreaking” medical discovery was announced by …
Linguist Discovers True Meaning of Christmas
As a result of the resoundingly successful United Auto Workers’ strike negotiations, academic workers are cashing in the micro-sabbaticals the University of California added to their …
UCSD to Release Anime Featuring John Muir, Roger Revelle as Romantic Leads
“We need another college named after a woman,” said one Archive of Our Own writer. “I need a yuri series next.”Photo by Julia Wong Touted by …
Innovative Carpet Bombing Combats Atmospheric River
With an atmospheric river bringing torrential rainstorms to the San Diego area, the Air Force scrambled into action, launching a mission to divert its flow. Air …
NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet
On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant …
In-N-Out Burger Unveils New Secret Menu Item: The Quintuple‑Quintuple®
Last week, California franchise In-N-Out Burger debuted the Quintuple-Quintuple® to appeal to a wider audience. An official statement by the Food and Drug Administration declared it …
White House Mandates New ‘mNRA’ Vaccines
In a controversial move last Thursday, the White House announced that all members of the military will be required to receive an “mNRA” vaccine to remain …
Read Me Like One of Your French Books
I remember the day I was purchased like it was yesterday. I was sitting on a shelf at the store with my siblings, waiting, just waiting …
