Volume 30 Issue 4


UCSD ‘in Tatters’ After Devastating Winter Storm

Written by: Connor Betterly

UC San Diego found itself in disarray this week after a winter storm wreaked havoc on the campus, leaving administrators scrambling and students’ spirits dampened with …


Amazon Buys the Catholic Church

Written by: Everett Ririe

Last Sunday, Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, announced his intentions to resign from papacy, effective immediately. His resignation was accompanied by an Amazon announcement …


Trump Discovered to Be Immune to Every Disease, Including ‘Rule of Law’

Written by: Millie You

“That’s right,” Donald Trump said. “My bloodstream rejects all foreign bodies!”Photo by Dylan Towner and Amit Roth Last Tuesday, a “groundbreaking” medical discovery was announced by …


Linguist Discovers True Meaning of Christmas

Written by: Janice Kim

As a result of the resoundingly successful United Auto Workers’ strike negotiations, academic workers are cashing in the micro-sabbaticals the University of California added to their …


UCSD to Release Anime Featuring John Muir, Roger Revelle as Romantic Leads

Written by: Richard Rider

“We need another college named after a woman,” said one Archive of Our Own writer. “I need a yuri series next.”Photo by Julia Wong Touted by …


Innovative Carpet Bombing Combats Atmospheric River

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

With an atmospheric river bringing torrential rainstorms to the San Diego area, the Air Force scrambled into action, launching a mission to divert its flow. Air …


NFL to have most Technologically Advanced Super Bowl yet

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

On February 5, Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, announced that Super Bowl LVIII will be the “most technologically advanced ever.” “We have ensured that Allegiant …


In-N-Out Burger Unveils New Secret Menu Item: The Quintuple‑Quintuple®

Written by: The MQ

Last week, California franchise In-N-Out Burger debuted the Quintuple-Quintuple® to appeal to a wider audience. An official statement by the Food and Drug Administration declared it …


White House Mandates New ‘mNRA’ Vaccines

Written by: Katie Campbell

In a controversial move last Thursday, the White House announced that all members of the military will be required to receive an “mNRA” vaccine to remain …


Congressional Committee Distracted by Fly

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“Kids these days have terrible attention spans… Wait, what’s that?” asked Senator Joe Manchin.Photo by Erica Rosslee A closed-door hearing for the Joint Congressional Committee on …