“That’s right,” Donald Trump said. “My bloodstream rejects all foreign bodies!”
Photo by Dylan Towner and Amit Roth
Last Tuesday, a “groundbreaking” medical discovery was announced by Trump’s campaign staff in a statement that read: “According to a recent blood test taken during a routine health check-up at a hospital, Donald Trump, true President of America, is immune to every disease on Earth.” The statement urged the public to celebrate this “God-ordained truth” and warned against Democratic opposition, citing that a “rule of law disease” has become the “foremost peril to the nation” since the spread of COVID-19.
“The doctors said it, they said it, you all saw it in that hospital room — they said I don’t have antibodies. I have no cells. None,” Trump later said during a press conference. “They looked in my veins, what do you think they found? USA. Nothing but red, white, and blue. I have the spirit of the true American people in me, and I will beat this Rule of Law disease like I beat the China virus.”
A doctor at the hospital said, “He has… scratch that. Patient confidentiality. But, um… sometimes you seem red, white, and blue on the inside due to… high cholesterol. Yes. That’s right.”
While the specifics of Trump’s medical profile remain under wraps due to HIPAA restrictions, many have expressed doubt over the scientific validity of being immune to “every disease on Earth” — many of which, experts maintain, are still shrouded in biological mystery. Criticism has also been levied against Trump’s “unabashedly false” claims of the spread of numerous deadly diseases that have never been encountered and are conveniently named after the many felony counts Trump faces in four criminal court cases.
“Am I high? Is he fucking high?” a senior CDC virologist demanded in a viral clip. “Rule of Law disease. Jesus jack hammering Christ. What’s next? Felony Charge disease? I am going to step into traffic. Move out of my way.”
Numerous hashtags mocking Trump’s claims have been trending on X, with “#can’tpayrentdisease” and “#studentloansdisease” taking the top two spots. One X post that garnered more than 50,000 likes read: “told my professor the other day i was immune to exam disease. she failed me. anyone know if i can fake blood test results to show her it’s real?”
Despite the widespread backlash, the overall response has been polarized, with the National Association of Police Organizations “enthusiastically endorsing a steel-blooded American with his sights set on keeping America safe and healthy.” Trump has most recently announced that “taxes are a disease” to raucous applause at a rally in New Hampshire and has his sights set on the Republican candidacy despite his legal charges.
“It’s in the biology, it’s in my USA. I don’t have DNA, the doctors said, they all looked and I’ve only got the strength of the American people. That’s what,” Trump declared in response to a reporter’s criticism. “I am immune to everything, all things. I’m immune to you and your terrible questions, I’m immune to fraud charges, to conspiracy charges, I’m immune to assassination and murder charges — all very, very serious and life-threatening diseases, these ones are. I’m immune to that nasty face you’re making, too. Even that. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
