Amazon Buys the Catholic Church


Written by: Everett Ririe

Last Sunday, Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, announced his intentions to resign from papacy, effective immediately. His resignation was accompanied by an Amazon announcement informing shareholders of the company’s $200 billion acquisition of the entire Catholic Church. Under Amazon, the church will be known as Amazon Worship, a free service for Amazon Prime subscription holders that offers weekly sermons, instant sin forgiveness, and “eternal salvation in Consumerist Heaven.”

Amazon Worship’s first weekly sermon was made available for streaming immediately after the service’s launch. The sermon featured an AI-generated simulacrum of Jeff Bezos — which has claimed the title “Prime of the Catholic Church” — preaching “the spiritual benefits of retail therapy.” Regular mass-goers critiqued the sermon as “thinly-veiled corpo brainwashing,” but many Catholics have praised Amazon for making worship more convenient with the advent of religion on-demand.

Prime Deliverance, Amazon Worship’s service offering instant sin forgiveness to Prime members, was launched alongside the first sermon. Now, when purchasing select products such as adult toys through Amazon Prime, members are asked if they would like to purchase a protection plan for their souls. Prime Bezos said, “In the future, we will roll out this feature to all products, with pricing calibrated to the magnitude of sinfulness for each item.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *