Everett Ririe

ArticlesNewsTech

GPT-5 Beats Kobayashi Maru Test, Joins Admiral Kirk

Written by:

“I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t beam you up right now,” said CadetGPT.Photo by Maria Dhilla On May 26, OpenAI announced the completion of their GPT-5 large …

ArticlesNationalNews

Mother Traps Baby Under Bar to Break Deadlift Record

Written by:

“I think powerlifting competitions should ban PEBs,” said Hafþór Björnsson. “Performance enhancing babies detract from the clean nature of the sport.”Photo by Connor Betterly On March …

ArticlesNewsTech

Leaked Internal Twitter Memo States that Elon Musk “Has No Idea What He’s Doing”

Written by:

Reports of events at Twitter headquarters were not officially confirmed, but were verified by an anonymous Twitter employee.Photo by Julia Wong Recently, Elon Musk finalized his …

ArticlesLocalNews

Timothée Chalamet Goes Outside, Buys Milk

Written by:

“I can’t believe he bought cow’s milk,” declared Lamborda. “I’m still a fan, but just a little bit less.”Photo by Julia Wong This morning, Timothée Chalamet …

Briefs

Cold Fusion Debate Gets Heated

Written by:

Cold Fusion Debate Gets Heated Cold fusion, a hypothetical type of fusion occurring at room temperature as opposed to the temperature of the sun, is sought …

ArticlesNewsTech

CHIPS and Science Act Relieves Salsa Surplus

Written by:

“I don’t know why everybody keeps talking about Taiwan,” said Jaquelin Schwarz. “I think Mexico has the best chips.Photo by Julia Wong Months after the passage …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

“The Mona Lisa Isn’t Even That Great” vs. “So Make Something Better”

Written by:

Point: The Mona Lisa Isn’t Even That Great Ah, the Louvre: the most famous art museum in the world. Why? Sure, it has more paintings than …

ArticlesLocalNews

SDPD Uncovers Cannibal Cult

Written by:

“I don’t need a vaccine to protect me; I have diamond armor,” wrote @fathogjones on Twitter.Photo by Sharon Roth On Sunday, May 29, a squad of …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

It’s Not Easy Being White

Written by:

Every day I hear people saying things like, “white isn’t a color,” “white is just the absence of color,” “you can’t even see white, you just …

ArticlesBon AppétitEditorialIs It Ever OkayOpinionSpecial Issue

Is it Ever Okay – Spaghetti

Written by:

How can I politely inform my daughter that she will go to Hell for putting ketchup on spaghetti?– DISAPPOINTED DEIRDRA A spicy nine-layered dip is an …