Everett Ririe
GPT-5 Beats Kobayashi Maru Test, Joins Admiral Kirk
“I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t beam you up right now,” said CadetGPT.Photo by Maria Dhilla On May 26, OpenAI announced the completion of their GPT-5 large …
Mother Traps Baby Under Bar to Break Deadlift Record
“I think powerlifting competitions should ban PEBs,” said Hafþór Björnsson. “Performance enhancing babies detract from the clean nature of the sport.”Photo by Connor Betterly On March …
Leaked Internal Twitter Memo States that Elon Musk “Has No Idea What He’s Doing”
Reports of events at Twitter headquarters were not officially confirmed, but were verified by an anonymous Twitter employee.Photo by Julia Wong Recently, Elon Musk finalized his …
Timothée Chalamet Goes Outside, Buys Milk
“I can’t believe he bought cow’s milk,” declared Lamborda. “I’m still a fan, but just a little bit less.”Photo by Julia Wong This morning, Timothée Chalamet …
Cold Fusion Debate Gets Heated
Cold Fusion Debate Gets Heated Cold fusion, a hypothetical type of fusion occurring at room temperature as opposed to the temperature of the sun, is sought …
CHIPS and Science Act Relieves Salsa Surplus
“I don’t know why everybody keeps talking about Taiwan,” said Jaquelin Schwarz. “I think Mexico has the best chips.Photo by Julia Wong Months after the passage …
“The Mona Lisa Isn’t Even That Great” vs. “So Make Something Better”
Point: The Mona Lisa Isn’t Even That Great Ah, the Louvre: the most famous art museum in the world. Why? Sure, it has more paintings than …
SDPD Uncovers Cannibal Cult
“I don’t need a vaccine to protect me; I have diamond armor,” wrote @fathogjones on Twitter.Photo by Sharon Roth On Sunday, May 29, a squad of …
It’s Not Easy Being White
Every day I hear people saying things like, “white isn’t a color,” “white is just the absence of color,” “you can’t even see white, you just …
Is it Ever Okay – Spaghetti
How can I politely inform my daughter that she will go to Hell for putting ketchup on spaghetti?– DISAPPOINTED DEIRDRA A spicy nine-layered dip is an …
