Everett Ririe
Amazon Buys the Catholic Church
Last Sunday, Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, announced his intentions to resign from papacy, effective immediately. His resignation was accompanied by an Amazon announcement …
UCSD Offers First Quantitative Sheep Studies Course
This quarter, UC San Diego began offering BAA 1: Quantitative Sheep Studies, a course to educate students on numerical methods for sheep counting. However, after only …
Grades Inflate, Society Crumbles
In the storied history of education there has been but one constant: the strong pass and the weak fail. Educators from Socrates to Dennis Prager have …
GPT-5 Beats Kobayashi Maru Test, Joins Admiral Kirk
“I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t beam you up right now,” said CadetGPT.Photo by Maria Dhilla On May 26, OpenAI announced the completion of their GPT-5 large …
Mother Traps Baby Under Bar to Break Deadlift Record
“I think powerlifting competitions should ban PEBs,” said Hafþór Björnsson. “Performance enhancing babies detract from the clean nature of the sport.”Photo by Connor Betterly On March …
Leaked Internal Twitter Memo States that Elon Musk “Has No Idea What He’s Doing”
Reports of events at Twitter headquarters were not officially confirmed, but were verified by an anonymous Twitter employee.Photo by Julia Wong Recently, Elon Musk finalized his …
Timothée Chalamet Goes Outside, Buys Milk
“I can’t believe he bought cow’s milk,” declared Lamborda. “I’m still a fan, but just a little bit less.”Photo by Julia Wong This morning, Timothée Chalamet …
Cold Fusion Debate Gets Heated
Cold Fusion Debate Gets Heated Cold fusion, a hypothetical type of fusion occurring at room temperature as opposed to the temperature of the sun, is sought …
CHIPS and Science Act Relieves Salsa Surplus
“I don’t know why everybody keeps talking about Taiwan,” said Jaquelin Schwarz. “I think Mexico has the best chips.Photo by Julia Wong Months after the passage …
“The Mona Lisa Isn’t Even That Great” vs. “So Make Something Better”
Point: The Mona Lisa Isn’t Even That Great Ah, the Louvre: the most famous art museum in the world. Why? Sure, it has more paintings than …
