Last week, California franchise In-N-Out Burger debuted the Quintuple-Quintuple® to appeal to a wider audience. An official statement by the Food and Drug Administration declared it “a towering monolith of culinary excess and a source of joy for the home of the brave.” One employee described the
burger, saying, “It starts with two toasty American buns, both thick and risen to perfection. The five 110% beef patties are grilled medium-rare, threatening to ooze their juices all over you. The hand-leafed lettuce; the five blankets of real, melted cheese; and an assortment of onions, tomatoes, and spread; all struggling for visibility amidst the chaos, wrap up the femme fatale that has been dubbed ‘California’s official state food.’”
Reception of the fast food chain’s culinary innovation has been exclusively positive, with people worldwide flocking to In-N-Out locations to indulge. The Michelin Guide honored the In-N-Out chain with three Michelin stars. “I had to kill someone for this. This left even distinguished gourmets shamelessly salivating and fighting over spots in the miles-long line for just one bite; this really is quality you can taste — Revelation 3:20,” said an anonymous Michelin inspector, who then declared, “Une des meilleures cuisine, vaut le voyage. Vive le quintuple, hon hon!”
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In these articles trying to find something grimace inducing, smart stupid, stupid smart, faintly amusing, eyebrow raising, nausea inducing, fatal jack-ass dumb, totally decerebrate fatal, ridiculous beyond elementary school, mud in the lung drowning, taipan kissing, imbecilic death guaranteeing, scandalous, shreik inducing scary, mindblowing, original, cis-heterosexual sexually vulgar, deviant queer pervert, lesbian Emily Pankhurst frigid, plain funny, plain stupid, punny, tongue in cheek, entertaining, decapitating Darwin award winning, Idi Amin admirable guffaw making, witty, or just plain satirical in these reports, something Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, George Bush, Barack Pontificating Hussein Obama, Camel-lalaland Harris, Sarah Palinesque, Dave Chapelle, Alexandra Very Occasional Cortex, Rashida Tlaib astounding, would have been notable.
All I see is 2/3rds Stooges, Adam Sandler, Rob Meathead Reiner, Will Ferrell, Ellen/Elliott Page, Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg, Robert DeNiro fatuosities, that raise nothing so much as e-coli malaise. Instead of open the Frat Party door to Yogi Berra, or Gentlemen’s Club Jonathan Swift, we are being served PeeWee Herman, or Ted Bundy.
Among 330 million Americans, can’t you find anything amusing?
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