In a controversial move last Thursday, the White House announced that all members of the military will be required to receive an “mNRA” vaccine to remain eligible for service and benefits. The mNRA vaccine, not to be confused with scientifically endorsed mRNA vaccines, is an experimental technology created by the National Rifle Association. The vaccine promises “full protection against the woke liberals” and ensures that all recipients will “retain their God-given right to bear arms” regardless of any “Sleepy Joe-verreach” to restrict firearm possession. The mNRA vaccine reportedly consists of three shots delivered by semi-automatic handgun with a 10-millimeter bullet to be administered in the upper arm, thigh, and buttocks.

Self-identified “Seven‑star General, God-King, and NRA President” Charles Linen shared his reasons for lobbying Congress for the change. “The radical left, the libidiots, and the yerba-matcha-espresso-drinkers of our government want to castrate us,” Linen said. “And we can’t let that happen. That’s a real crime. That’s why we’re giving our military the power to choose freedom, by injecting a bullet into their arms, thighs, and asses.”

One member of the military, speaking on the promise of anonymity, said, “I’m only here so they’ll pay for my school, and now they’re going to shoot me. I’d laugh, but I’m not allowed to show fear, or they’ll take me out back and put me down. Jesus Christ.”