“Kids these days have terrible attention spans… Wait, what’s that?” asked Senator Joe Manchin.
Photo by Erica Rosslee
A closed-door hearing for the Joint Congressional Committee on Waste Management left many scratching their heads when it ended with a sweaty and out-of-breath John Fetterman (D-PA) reportedly bursting through the doors “screaming in triumph.” Those present later testified that he was holding something in his clasped hands. “It was a bug, like a flying ant. It distracted them for four hours, and we got no work done. So, all in all, it was a pretty productive and energy-filled day,” said congressional stenographer Roja Alizey. “Mitch McConnell got in his weekly cardio during the session. That’s big for his health. We should do this more often.”
According to the detailed account written by Alizey, the hearing was interrupted when Paulie Moltisanti, who was testifying on waste management practices, began swatting at his face and whispering loudly about “these damn government bugs.” Soon thereafter, representative Dan Crenshaw (R-TX) unsuccessfully attempted to slap the bug out of the air, despite it being six feet away from arms’ length. “It was weird watching this ex-Navy SEAL unable to recognize he was outmatched and outwitted. There was no way this bug was going to be caught,” reported Alizey.
Ted Cruz (R-TX) then called for an unprecedented closed-door recess, so as to not “let the bug escape.” He and fellow Republican Mitch McConnell (KY) “jumped over the desk and sporadically leapt around trying to swat the fly.” In an attempt to “maintain voter base credibility,” Democrats Chuck Schumer (NY), Nancy Pelosi (CA), and Joe Manchin (WV) all followed suit. To “stand out as an Independent,” Angus King (ME) waited a few seconds before attempting to jump over the desk.
Each representative had their own unique way of trying to catch the fly. “In a stroke of genius, I tried to use the Sergeant at Arms’ gun to shoot it in midair, but he kept hogging it for himself,” said Representative Lauren Boebert (R-CO). Opting for a more pacifist route, the Democratic Party threatened to tighten economic sanctions on the fly. It was John Fetterman’s technique which was ultimately successful: “I just acted nonchalant, leaned back, and waited for the bug to recognize I was just a cool dude,” he explained. Alizey clarified, “It was more that he just didn’t move, and the fly felt safe enough to land on him. Poor bastard fell right into his trap.”
In a post-hearing conference, Majorie Taylor Green (R-GA) defended her actions and said they were “pro-America.” “We didn’t know the motives or patriotism of this fly, so we had to assume it was sent to dismantle the US from the inside. For all we know, it was sent by the woke mafia known as ‘Greenpeace’ to make us give a shit about the environment — and I’m here to assure the American people that we will never do that.”
In order to prevent another distracting incident in Congress, new rules have been enacted, including moving snack breaks outside near the Reflecting Pool so as to not have crumbs
attract flies.
