“What if thy neighbor is a Democrat?” asked Alito.
Photo by Ezra Bihis
Following a 233-year-long separation, Church and State reunited in the US Department of Justice press room this past Monday. In a 6–3 decision, the Supreme Court invoked anime Neon Genesis Evangelion as precedent to hold that the First Amendment of the Constitution is “anti-American ‘woke’ propaganda” that served as a centuries-long obstacle to the “right religion.” In the interest of national security, the Twenty-eighth Amendment was immediately passed, repealing the Establishment Clause and Free Exercise Clause, which were the previous basis for the right of religious liberty, commonly known as freedom of religion.
Justice Clarence Thomas wrote the majority opinion, claiming, “Believe it or not, the church is supposed to direct the government. That is how our Founding Fathers intended it. In fact, we discovered that the Constitution as we knew it was faked by flying spaghetti monsters. After some sleepless nights, we finally fixed the Constitution. I always knew it was strange that the common man had so many inalienable rights!” Justice Samuel Alito concurred: “No longer will we incur the wrath of the Holy Ravioli. This will ensure that our good American children get into heaven.”
Under the newly ratified Holy Council — formerly the House of Representatives and the rest of Congress — the President of the United States shall henceforth be known as the “High Priest of the United Churches of America.” This designation grants the office ultimate spiritual authority over the nation, as well as the power to bless legislation, declare holy war, and issue freedom to the needy. In his inaugural sermon from the Oval Cathedral, High Priest Donald Trump addressed the nation, saying, “I’ve been saying this for years, that America’s always been one nation under God, but now we’ve, you know, officially reached his bottom. Really under Him. And that’s a big deal. Because when you think about it, what’s more faithful than America? It’s a big church. A huge one.”
A series of new religious legislation has since been passed due to the efforts of the High Priest and the Paladins of the Holy Council. Formerly the Department of Education, the Department of Ordination and Godly Emissaries (DOGE✝ , pronounced “Doge Cross”), was given the authority to carry out Ecclesiastical Order 777, mandating that all schools in the United Churches of America must display the original Ten Commandments, as well as a “newly discovered” Eleventh Commandment that states, “Thou shalt pledge allegiance to the flag.” Schools must also replace math, science, and history classes with extended Bible study and exorcism techniques to nurture children as prospective holy knights of the United Churches Armed Forces.
Other notable acts passed include the Fabric Mixing Act, which enforces strict dress codes regarding unmixed fabrics; and the National Salvation Tax, which requires all citizens of the UCA to tithe 10% of their income to the Treasury of Merit. Those acting in contempt of these laws are subject to punishments dictated by Bible teachings, such as public stoning and 40 hours of compulsory prayer.
Archbishop of DOGE✝ and advisor to the High Priest, Elon Musk, gave an ordained statement on the recent laws and how it affects the average American. “These slabs at the end of the day are the most important thing that we’ve got, other than promoting free speech and love through Xodus, formally known as X. After banning Apple, our next crusade is to purge some of our insufficiently devout members and other peasants through a great flood, I mean layoffs. In the meantime, check out the holy waterproof two-seater Tesla Model M! They’re flood-resistant and are guaranteed to part our Red, White, and Blue Seas! While supplies last.”
