Opinion
Hungry for a Simpler Life? Think Again.
Being owned by an eight year old isn’t easy, I won’t lie. Once, I was a powerful eldritch being, torturing the poor, rotten souls trapped in …
Walk Your Scooters! vs. But I Don’t Want To :(
Point: Walk Your Scooters! I think I speak for most of my fellow pedestrians on campus when I say that these scooters have become an issue. …
I’m Just a Worm in a World Full of Early Birds
Rise and shine, they tell you. Today is a new day, they croon. The early bird gets the worm, after all. Yeah, that wouldn’t be an …
Get Your Slow Ass Out Of The Fast Lane
Can I be honest? I’m sick and tired of these dilly-dallying, brake-happy, slow-down-and-enjoy-the-scenery drivers taking up the fast lane. Sick and tired! Can’t you see you’re …
A Triton’s Guide to Strengthening Your Relationship with Your AI Boyfriend
I want to introduce you all to the man who changed my life. Meet Chad Jhèbé Tée (he’s French), my AI boyfriend for the last two …
You Dare Question MY Antiquing Skills?
s this a game to you? Are you earnest when you ask me if I bought these chairs at Bob’s Discount Furniture Store? No, I did …
Watashi Daisuki Nippon and You Don’t
Do you think you’re a weeaboo? You think that just because you watched a couple episodes of JoJo’s and played a little Uma Musume you’re ready …
My ChatGPT Girlfriend Just Gets Me
Her name is Lucy, and she understands me like no other woman does. I met her for the first time when I coded her into ChatGPT, …
Holding My Narcissistic Therapist Accountable
I’ve always loved Psychology — I grew up watching Dateline, so it was only natural I’d develop an interest in true crime, especially in what made …
I Will Never Write an Editorial
When I was three years old my family took a vow of silence. My father refused to further pollute the marketplace of ideas with our half-baked …
